One of the biggest things I have learned as a person of long-term recovery is that change is inevitable and necessary for my growth. Prior to sobering up things around me were changing while I stayed stagnant. Stagnant in my own misery. The only way I could stand that misery was to self-medicate through the aid of drugs and alcohol. It wasn't until the spiritual and emotional pain I was experiencing was too much to bear that I finally had a moment of clarity and moved to do something about it. The move began with a change.
The first thing I had to change was to stop self-medicating in order to deal with life. However, the change could not end there for if it did I would soon slip back to the misery I had accepted as normal. Despite being miserable, that life was comfortable and all that I knew. What had got me stuck in it was fear, including fear of change. I had to overcome that fear and begin to look at the aspects of myself that were holding me back. I learned from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that I was "self-centred in the extreme" and that I had allowed my "self-will to run riot." That's where I started. I looked at all the trouble I had been in and the resentments I held as a result of that trouble. When I took a close look I realized that I played a huge part in all of it. I had to accept my part and get rid of the resentment. The world 'resentment' comes from the root word 'sentiment'. A sentiment is a feeling. I was re-feeling events that bothered me. Dwelling on those things was keeping me stagnant and away from change. Once I was able to let go of those resentments I was able to begin to change the things within me that contributed to them. First I had to get out of myself. I came to realize that the world does not revolve around me. I do not have control over what other people do just on how I react to others' actions. I cannot control the thoughts or feelings that pop into my mind but I do have control over how I handle them. When in the past I would get angry, blow up and hold onto that anger as long as I could, I now had to accept the anger, breathe through it, realize my part in the event and let go of it so I could move on.
Whereas in the past an event I didn't like would define my whole day, I now work through it in a moment. I no longer have whole bad or good days. What I do have is bad or good moments throughout my day. How long those moments last is up to me , my reactions and a maintenance of my spirituality.
I also had to rid my self of the need for immediate gratification. I had gone overboard in all aspects of my life to the point where things were unbalanced. I no longer could rely on my own self-will. I had to turn it over to a higher power. In the beginning I turned it over to a group of people who had sobered up long before I did and let them guide my will. My best thinking had got me financially, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt and I could no longer rely on it. In that realization I began to lower my ego which was a huge change for me. I had to face my fears of not being liked, not being good enough, being alone, being judged and realize that those fears were pointless and were holding me back.
All that change was not easy. I must continuously work on maintaining the things I have changed within or I will slip back to the chaotic lifestyle I not only became used to but, perhaps, was even addicted to. If I don't continue to change my dry date will.
Dave the Dude
No comments:
Post a Comment