I Am Responsible

A newcomer recently told me that she was having a cigarette outside of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, waiting for it to start, when an older member of the group approached her to talk. The older member asked the newcomer if she was an alcoholic and my friend replied that indeed she was but that she was seeking recovery from other addictions as well. The older group member began to chastise my friend telling her not to say things like this and inferring that AA may not be the place for her.

Upon hearing this I was dumbfounded. My friend has a desire to stop drinking and as Tradition Three tells us the only requirement for membership in Alcoholics Anonymous is a desire to stop drinking. Like my friend, and I’m sure at least half of the Fellowship today, I also have recovered from addictions other than alcohol. Having said that when I share in a meeting, whether around a discussion table or as a speaker, I refer to anything other than alcohol as outside issues. I don’t dwell on the outside issues but they are a part of my story and I know there are others in the room that need to identify with that.

I understand Alcoholics Anonymous’ singleness of purpose – to help the still suffering alcoholic. That is why I don’t go into detail about my substance issues. I don’t want someone who is strictly alcoholic to leave the rooms because they can’t identify with someone talking about cocaine/crack use. However, this doesn’t stop me from sharing my experience, strength and hope on an individual basis with someone who has also had difficulties with outside issues as those who came before me did with me.

Through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous I have learned that alcohol (and other issues) is merely a symptom of a bigger problem. I don’t have a drugging or drinking problem I have a thinking problem. Before having had a spiritual awakening I was unable to deal with life on life’s terms and so I turned to self-medicating in order to hide from life. Today I have lost the obsession over alcohol (and outside issues) and am free to live accepting the consequences of my choices.

If in my early days someone had come around and suggested that Alcoholics Anonymous might not be the place for me I’m pretty sure I would not be alive to write this today. My friend is now turned off of that meeting and has been left with a bitter taste in her mouth. When I welcome a newcomer I don’t point out the differences between us I point out the similarities in hopes that he will return again so that I (or someone else) can begin to take him through the Big Book and have them complete the Steps. I am responsible…

Dave the Dude

Bleeding Deacons Please Don't Mock

If you have read any of my previous blogs you will know that I am a firm believer of the 12 Steps. If it were not for the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous I would not have lost my obsession over alcohol and had a spiritual awakening that allows me to carry the message to those who still suffer from the disease of addiction. I was able to complete the 12 Steps (and continue to practice them in all of my affairs) by following the directions that were clearly laid out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous (AKA: The Big Book) and through the guidance of those who went before me. Having said that I disagree with a lot of “Big Book Thumpers” who often say, from the front of the rooms, that everything else you hear in meetings is crap.

I had the privilege of attending an Alcoholics Anonymous Conference this past weekend. One of the speakers started off by saying that the conversations attendees were having over lunch (i.e. – sharing stories and identifying with one another) were a lot of bullshit. He went on to criticise advice, one often hears at meetings, including: get to a lot of meetings; stay around until the miracle happens; don’t date in the first year; hang around sober people; etc.

Another speaker at the conference was one of those of guys who use the phrase, “if it’s not in the book…..” For example, the speaker said that he didn’t dress up to speak because nowhere in the Big Book does it say to dress up to speak. Well nowhere in the Big Book does it tell me not to shit on the floor but I’m pretty sure those who wrote the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous would agree that I shouldn’t. I was taught to dress up when chairing or speaking at a meeting as it shows a respect to the meeting attendees and to Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole.

The text itself states, “upon therapy for the alcoholic we surely have no monopoly”. This statement tells me that I can learn from experience of other recovered alcoholics. Many recovered alcoholics, who had worked the 12 Steps, have taught me a lot of great lessons in my 10-and-a-bit years in recovery. Those lessons were not all written in the Big Book. When I was new and admitted during a meeting that I was hanging around a lady who was still drinking rationalizing my behaviour as 12 Step work I was given shit by those who went before me. I didn’t mock them by saying, “screw you – I don’t need to hear that as it’s not in the Big Book”. I respected these guys and they were able to make me see through my alcoholic thinking and realize that what I was doing was putting my sobriety in jeopardy by given in to my character defect of lust.

The same individuals who I am talking about often mock people who advise newcomers to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. The reasoning behind such advice is that one who immerses oneself in the Fellowship is much more likely to continue in AA and get someone to take them through the Steps. Better a person go to 90 meetings in 90 days then walk away never to return. When I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous I was under the impression that it was a once a week thing. I came out of that meeting realizing that I needed a Big Book. A fellow alcoholic told me he’d get me one if I came a meeting the next day. I got my Big Book at that meeting and someone else invited me to a meeting the next day. I continued to go to meetings on a daily basis. By attending lots of meetings (I must have gone to 600 meetings in 165 days, never mind 90 in 90) I learned by listening to those who came before me that I better get these steps done and I better find someone to guide me through them.

The Big Book doesn’t tell me to show up early to meetings and stay afterwards to talk to people but I did that and it was integral to my recovery. One of the speakers I heard this weekend mocked people who tell newcomers to come early and stay afterward to talk.

The Steps taught me to keep an open mind practice tolerance and love of my fellow human beings. I was not taught to mock people trying to help others. Don’t get me wrong I advise newcomers to make sure they get a sponsor (also not in the Big Book) who has completed the 12 Steps as the Steps are the program of recovery. Without the Steps one will not find the freedom the Big Book promises. One will not become happy, joyous and free. However, as I was being guided through the Steps, and up to this day, I continue to find joy in coming early to a meeting. I seek out sober individuals to hang with and talk to newcomers at meetings encouraging them to attend as many meetings as possible.

The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous carried me on their shoulders as I worked myself towards a spiritual awakening. The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is with me if I call upon them. The Responsibility Clause is not in the Big Book but I believe in it fully.

So those who stand at the front of the rooms at a conference or a regular meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous be careful what you say as you might just cause someone to get resentment and leave the Fellowship before they learn how to deal with it.

Dave the Dude

Recovered Alcoholic with Anxiety

A few years prior to getting sober I awoke one morning with a feeling of anxiety. I’d had anxiety before but this feeling stayed with me for the day. Upon returning home from work I started drinking and the feeling went away. The next day I awoke and the anxiety had returned. Within a few weeks that anxiety had gotten so bad that my hands were shaking, I was losing weight and was having trouble sleeping (even after passing out from alcohol). I finally went to the doctor.

My blood pressure was through the roof and my pulse was going crazy. The doctor gave me some Ativan (from the benzodiazepine family) and put me on an antidepressant called Paxil. The Ativan kicked in immediately and calmed me down (a few years later as my disease of addiction progressed I would begin to abuse the Ativan). The Paxil took a month or so to finally start working. I finally had some relief but would still suffer from anxiety attacks on a regular basis. Things I once took for granted I had trouble doing. I could no longer get a haircut without a huge anxiety attack. I can remember sitting in a barber’s chair and holding my breath, my muscles tense as the snip-snip of the scissors filled my eardrums. I ended up buying a set up clippers and doing my own haircuts from then on. There was also a time where I was in line at a store and the fluorescent lights were buzzing and flickering. This set off a huge anxiety attack. I dropped what I wanted to purchase and fled the store never to return. While this was going on the Paxil was having a weird side effect of a sexual nature. I could get an erection but was unable (95% of the time) to ejaculate. It was quite frustrating. My doctor was an awesome guy and liked to make things less tense with humour. When I told him my dilemma he said, “well, the girls must love that.” I ended up switching to Zoloft, which didn’t work and finally settled on Effexor.

Over the next few years my alcohol and drug addiction progressed to daily use. While I was not honest with myself or anyone else I was honest with my doctor as to what I was up to and how much drugs/alcohol I was imbibing. He started having me come see him on a regular basis. He would raise and lower the dosage of my Effexor depending on the craziness of the stories I would tell him. He would often lower the dosage saying I was too happy. When this happened my anxiety would go up and so too would the dosage. Of course, I would later learn that the alcohol and drugs were preventing the Effexor from doing a proper job. The last five years of my addiction I began to use cocaine and eventually crack cocaine. I would abuse the benzos I was taking in order to come down from the drugs. I remember running out of benzos and the pharmacist didn’t buy my story that I accidentally spilled them down the drain so would not prescribe me some more. I ended up switching to NyQuil as a replacement. Needless to say it was an inferior replacement. On January 7, 2005 I successfully sobered up. While I gave up the benzos I would remain on the antidepressant.

When I turned three years sober I decided that I didn’t need to take the Effexor any longer. Things were going awesome in my life – I had a great job, was going to tons of meetings and the Ninth Step Promises were coming to fruition. Under my doctor’s supervision (by this time I had a new doctor) I weaned off the Effexor. Unfortunately, within six months my anxiety level was through the roof and I could barely function. I returned to taking the pills knowing that I actually had anxiety and that it hadn’t been the drugs and alcohol causing it (I’m sure they exacerbated it though).

From that point on I realized that anxiety was going to be a part of my life. Over the years I’ve developed some tactics to help me along. I’ve learned different ways to breathe and change my focus so that when I do get an anxiety attack it doesn’t last long. As people who deal with chronic pain I had to find an acceptable level of anxiety that I can live with. When discussing my anxiety with people I explain it talking about our flight/fight switch. I tell people that mine is permanently switched on. By combining the medication with what I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous, deep breathing and mindful meditation I manage my anxiety quite fine. My advice to people, in recovery, taking antidepressants, is not to listen to those 12 Steppers who tell you that medication is wrong. They are not doctors and should be avoided at all costs.

Dave the Dude

Follow Faith not Fads

When I was 17-years-old I was part of a youth group that travelled to Israel for three weeks. It was a great trip. We were able to travel around the country and were billeted in the homes of Israelis in a small town called Or Yehuda. My favourite part of the trip was a visit to the City of Jerusalem. We visited several sites within the Holy City including the Western Wall (aka: The Wailing Wall). This wall is the only thing left of the second temple after it was destroyed by the Romans. Thousands upon thousands of people visit this wall on a regular basis to pray to God. If you are ever able to visit this wall you will notice that there are millions of tiny pieces of paper shoved into the cracks of it. These are payers to God placed in it by visitors. I was no exception and placed my own note into the wall.

Once a Jewish male is Bar Mitzvahed he is allowed to take part in the ritual of praying while wearing tefillin (phylacteries), one on the forehead and one on the left arm. There was an Hasidic Jew praying at the wall the day I visited and he was placing tefillin on people who wanted to pray with them. I took full advantage of this offer. While placing the tefillin on me the Jewish man noticed that I had an earring. He advised me to, “follow faith not fads.” I blew off this advice and went on with my life.

Who could have known that 18 years later I’d be a hollow shell of a man who had lost faith in anything and crawled into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. As I began this journey in AA I came to believe in a power greater than myself and had faith that this power would, not only, help me to remain sober but would be a guiding beacon in my life – guiding me in both my thinking and my actions. As I went through the 12 Steps of recovery I learned that I could not find serenity in things outside of myself (fads included) but that I must find that inner power that my God placed within me in order to become happy, joyous and free.

Today I have faith that a power greater than myself is looking out for me and guiding me in this journey of recovery. I have not been lucky enough to return to Israel but am confident that I would have a new outlook on spirituality and faith if I ever do.

By the way, I still have the earring (actually two more). I also have a couple of tattoos – one the Hebrew symbol of life and one the Hebrew word for peace as well as my sobriety date.

Dave the Dude

Ridding Myself of Character Defects

To me getting rid of or lowering my character defects is a daily exercise. When I first completed Steps Six and Seven I went home and did the suggested prayer:

My Creator,

I am now ready that you should have all of me.

Good and bad.

I pray for you to remove all my defects of character that stand in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.

Grant me strength to go out from here to do your bidding.

Amen.

Due to those that went before me I know that ‘removing my character defects’ doesn’t happen just because I pray for them. I have a lot of work to do. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states, “Faith without works is dead”. This means I have to realize what my defects of character are (Steps Four and Five) and start to do something about them. My Higher Power gives me the willingness and strength to do this.

An important part of the Step Seven prayer is the part that states,”… remove all my defects of character that stand in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.” This means that some of my character defects will be left behind as they could aid me or another human being in some way unbeknownst to me. I have found this to be true.

Recently I have found myself embroiled in a battle with a group of very unscrupulous individuals. As a result of this I’ve had character defects springing up around me. These defects include anger, anxiety and distrustfulness and, yes, even a little bit of resentment. However, due to these character defects I believe I have been able to stand up for myself and others against a group of spiritually sick individuals whom mean harm. This fight is almost over and I have already begun the work of lowering/ridding myself of these defects once again.  

Edmund Burke once said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” I feel, in my soul, that the battle I’ve been talking about is just such a time. I have faith that what is meant to be will happen.

As a person of long-term recovery I’ve realized that it’s easier to concentrate on ridding myself of one specific character defect (while keeping the others in mind) then trying to rid myself of all of them at once. So far this has worked for me. Most recently I’ve been working on my patience in traffic. My character defect of impatience (and maybe intolerance of other people’s driving) has been coming out a lot. The result is a loss of my serenity and a great deal of expletives within my car. I often find myself having to start over my day by reciting the Serenity Prayer while driving. The last few weeks I have made a concerted effort to work on this issue. While it has not totally gone away I find the problem has lessened considerably.

Prior to practicing the 12 Steps I would never have tried this, or if I had, I would have been extremely self-critical for not getting it100 per cent correct. Today I know that as long as I do my best I’m okay. My acceptance of what is – is greater than the expectations I place on myself and others.

Dave the Dude