Stop getting so worked up!!

 

I hear many people cutting up advice/suggestions that are not in the Big Book without any explanation at all. I’ve made the odd joke myself. I think of lot of sayings/advice we hear does work if it’s put into proper context.  

I recently criticized the saying “meeting makers make it”. Let me qualify that criticism. If a newcomer comes around and just hears “meeting makers make it” and think all you have to do is go to meetings to stay sober then the majority of them will not. Meetings are, of course, important. When I first came into the rooms, I went to a ton of meetings. I didn’t do 90 in 90 (another saying people criticize) but approximately 180 in 90. Going to that many meetings grounded me, helped with my mental health and made me feel a part of the Fellowship. However, I also got a sponsor, began the Steps and got active. If I hadn’t done those three then I doubt I would have stayed sober. I wasn’t working at the time and going to those meetings, interacting with fellow alcoholics and helping run a service meeting got me out of myself and into recovery mode. For me it was an essential anchor to my recovery.

Another saying people criticize is “relapse is part of recovery”. If you’re talking about picking up a drink/drug then I completely agree. The relapse part of recovery is returning to your old ways, character defects and stinking thinking. There’s been many the time where I relapsed in my emotional sobriety. However, I had the tools necessary to realize what I did (or a sponsor to point it out to me) and was able to make the correction before I fell off that wagon and took a drink/drug.

There’s a large group of people who really dislike “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today” while another group of people love it. (Page 417, Big Book, 4^th Edition). I don’t see why people hate it so much. I have to accept situations as being what they are. The old me tried to change everything to fit what I expected, got a resentment because I couldn’t and then took a drink. I try my best to have my acceptance higher than my expectations so I don’t get a resentment. Acceptance doesn’t mean you accept abuse/violence. It means if you’ve experienced something like that you must accept that it has happened, look at your options (this includes asking for help) then proceed.

Finally, I keep seeing people getting really angry over the saying, “One Day at a Time”. To me this refers to staying sober. Before I came into the rooms a big hindrance to remaining sober was worrying about what I would do come holidays, my birthday, etc. One Day at a Time taught me to just tell myself I’ll stay sober for the next 24 hours and not worry about tomorrow. When tomorrow came, I did the same thing. One Day at a Time does not mean I don’t plan for the future. One has to do that. I have to plan future vacations, for upcoming events, who’s going to chair my home group next week, etc.

When I hear something, I try to look at it from all angles before rejecting it. I try to follow the famous Herbert Spencer quote from our Big Book:

 

There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all argument and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance.

This principle is contempt prior to examination.

When Harm Reduction Casuses Harm

 

I’ve been a recovered alcoholic/addict since January 7, 2005. When I first got sober I was dead set against any type of harm reduction. My opinion was the AA Way or the highway!! Since then my mind has opened to certain types of harm reduction.

I’ve worked on a couple street outreach vans where we handed out safe needle, crack and meth kits, etc. The theory behind handing out these kits is not to encourage drug use but to encourage safe drug use. An addict is going to use whether they have a clean needle or not. However, if they use a clean needle the chances that they contract a deadly or serious blood disease are lowered so when if they ever decide to get sober they don’t face an extra challenge. Getting sober is arduous enough without having the stress of a disease on top of it. Most people know you can catch a disease by sharing needles but do not know how sharing pipes can do it. If someone has a cut on his or her lip/mouth and blood gets on a shared pipe then it’s possible to spread a disease. It is not as bad as sharing needles but remember how careful we were during COVID?

Here’s where harm reduction begins to cause harm. In Canada, particularly Vancouver, we have what’s called safe supply. Safe supply is when the government (funded by taxpayers) hand out free opiates to addicts. Since Vancouver started doing this, the number of overdoses have not gone down. In fact, they have been in record numbers. The safe supply that is given out, for free, is hydromorphone. Most of the people who get this free handout then sell it on the streets and buy Fentanyl. So, in essence, we are funding their drug addiction.

Addiction is a disease and one should not be ashamed that they have it nor be ashamed to seek help. However, it is a unique disease as it’s the only disease that tells you that you don’t have it. If someone had offered me free booze and drugs while I was addictive in my addiction it would’ve been a lot harder for me to reach my moment of clarity which led to change and a decision to get sober.

In my personal and professional experience, one does not change if one does not feel some kind of pain. Free drugs, and what appears to be a new woke philosophy that we should accept that active addiction is fine and dandy thus not encouraging people to get sober, is adding to the death toll. A recent documentarian was in my area to show and talk about his documentary “Love in the Time of Fentanyl”. It’s about the opiate crisis in Vancouver. One of the people in the film was on hand as well. She is an active addict that works at the safe injection sites. She is allowed to smoke crack on the job. What type of job allows someone to actively use drugs/alcohol? I remember in my second treatment centre I told my counsellor that I wish I could get a job that paid me to drink. I guess I should have moved out to Vancouver. Although, I’m pretty sure if I did that I would’ve died from pancreatitis.

Dave the Dude

When Harm Reduction Becomes Enabling

 

I’ve been a recovered alcoholic/addict for many moons now having surrendered on January 7, 2005. When I first got sober I was dead set against any type of harm reduction. I was solely focused on keeping myself sober. Since then my mind has opened to certain types of harm reduction.

I’ve worked for a couple of street outreach programs over the years and handed out clean needles, crack/meth pipes, condoms and Naloxone kits. I see the need for these types of harm reduction as they keep people from contracting deadly or life altering diseases. I always say that one day an active addict may decide they want to get sober, and because they used these safe supplies, they don’t have the challenge of battling a disease on top of the very challenging journey of becoming sober – and eventually recovered.

While in support of the above mentioned harm reduction there are certain ones I’m dead set against. I’ve written a few blogs about how methadone is terrible stating that it’s just a money maker for doctors (who I’ve had tell clients, who wanted to wean off, that it would not be good for them and refused to help) as well as being harder to get off then heroin. I also believe that a big part of recovery is freedom – freedom to go and do what you want (not drinking/using of course). Having to go to a pharmacy once a day, or week, to get a drink hardly says freedom. Plus, you continue to receive methadone even if you continue to use opioids and/or other mind altering substances. A substitute for methadone is Suboxone. Before someone starts this they have to go 24 hours without anything – an uncomfortable withdrawal occurs. It’s this type of uncomfortableness that may lead someone to have a moment of clarity. You can also wean off of Suboxone far easier than Methadone.

I recently learned that there is a “harm reduction” program in Toronto, Ontario where workers teach people how to inject drugs. Why not go all the way and inject the heroin, etc. for the person? This is like trying to help an alcoholic by pouring whisky down their throat. For someone to finally decide to get sober they need to have a moment of clarity which is usually due to some sort of physical, emotional and or spiritual pain. By showing them how to inject a chance at feeling this type of pain is taken away.

Taking away any type of pain or uncomfortableness is not harm reduction but clearly crossing over that fine line of help to enabling. Enabling someone whether it be in addiction, stagnation, etc. is never a healthy thing.

Dave the Dude

DO NO HARM - Not the case here.

 

I can’t speak for other jurisdictions in Canada or other countries but in Ontario an upsetting trend has been going on with doctors and their patients for over a decade. I’ve been working in various treatment centres for over 16 years and started noticing this occurrence with some of my clients as well as with fellow members of my 12 Step Fellowship several years ago.

 What I’m talking about is people going to their doctors to seek help with their drinking/drugging and the doctor reporting the person to the Ministry of Transportation who subsequently takes away that person’s driver’s license. Not only is this punishing someone for a crime they haven’t committed (i.e. – driving under the influence) it is telling them they shouldn’t reach out for help because there will be negative consequences right away. I first reached out to my physician for help around 1998. I had not yet started to drink and drive (that would come later along with an arrest). He treated me like someone with a disease and not a criminal. As a result, I didn’t think twice about being honest with him until the day he moved away. He helped me begin my journey into sobriety as well as treating some severe mental health issues I was going through. When I did get sober, I tracked him down to make amends for showing up to his office drunk one day. If he had reported me and my license was revoked, I would have had much more stress in my life which would have caused a great deal of anxiety and depression. How did I deal with such things back then? By drinking/drugging.

 Speaking of mental health – there was a recent article in the Toronto Star about how doctors are now reporting patients to the Ministry of Transportation who come to them with signs of depression. These people subsequently lose their license as the MTO feels they may become dangerous drivers. What happens when these people lose their license? They become even more isolated thus leading to greater depression. This chaos has got to stop. I also heard on the radio (I really hope it isn’t true) that doctors, in Ontario, get $35 for every person they report to the MTO who lose their license. If this is, in fact true, I am a truly disgusted.

Dave the Dude

BFTGOG and Remember When

 

The last five years I was an active alcoholic/addict the functioning part of my alcoholism became very dysfunctional. At one point I was sleeping on a friend’s couch. If you had told me then that I was homeless I would have said you were wrong. Many years later, when I entered the field of social services, I would learn that “couch surfing” is considered homeless. I was shocked. As my disease of addiction grew bigger my apartments grew smaller. A couple of years following the couch surfing I found myself in a bed bug infested, bachelor apartment, by Sherbourne and Dundas in Toronto. It was here that my addiction grew even bigger. The funds for my rent went to drugs and alcohol and I was on verge of homelessness once again. I was only in that apartment for four months when I was whisked away, in the dead of night, by my sister to my parents’ place in Oshawa. It would be another few years before I surrendered, on January 7, 2005, and began a program that would relieve me of my obsession for alcohol. My journey of “trudging (sic) the road of Happy Destiny” (AA Big Book, 1939) began. The first month of sobriety I was walking on eggshells with my family. I knew if I slipped up I would be heading to a homeless shelter. Today I know that would have been the right choice for my family but back then I was in denial over the emotional consequences my behaviour had caused – especially to my father (my mom had passed a few years prior to this).

 

Near the end of my first year of sobriety I went back to school for a Post-grad Addictions/Mental Health Diploma as I wanted to help people who found themselves facing the same disease as me. Fast forward almost 16 years later and I began a new job as an Outreach Worker for the Mobile Jewish Response to Homelessness with a great organization called Ve’ahavta. There’s a slogan in 12 Step Programs called “But for the Grace of God go I”. Grace being an “unmerited gift”. My first week on the job this slogan went through my head over and over. I became especially choked up when we helped people at Sherbourne and Dundas. I had come full circle in life.

 

It’s a privilege to be able to help people who are in a similar situation as I once was. As an Outreach Worker, for Ve'ahavta, I hand out food, clothes, hygiene and harm reduction. When people ask me if I’m not just enabling people to use drugs by handing out harm reduction? I tell them that I’m helping them stay safe and alive because one day they may want to make the choice I did to get sober. I’m making sure the road is clear of some obstacles for that time.

 

At every job people tend to get caught up in the everyday minutia of things and slide into a routine. Whenever I feel myself doing this, I try to bring to mind the 12 Step saying “Remember When”. I always want to remember what I was like prior to getting better so I don’t lose the empathy that those I meet, as an outreach worker, need. 

 

https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/FundraisingPage.aspx?registrationID=5044263&langPref=en-CA

 

 

 

Let's Get Back to the Basics in this Pandemic

 

When the pandemic first hit the world and lockdowns came into effect, I said it was a bad idea. I said it to colleagues, to friends, family and on social media. I was constantly mocked and people, full of fear, said lockdowns were the only way. I stated that we had to balance things out as the toll on mental health, addictions, etc. would be vast. A recent report by the Canadian Medical Association finally proves me right.

The rise in substance abuse is also troubling. The number of opioid-related deaths across Canada went from roughly 10 per day in 2019 to 17 per day in 2020. In the first three months of 2021, that figure rose to 20 per day. Hospitalizations for opioid, alcohol and stimulant abuse all rose as well. (Brian Lilley, Toronto Sun, Nov. 30/21)

When the first lockdown hit everything shut down including 12 Step meetings. Fortunately, there was Zoom and people were able to meet on that. However, for those who did not have proper Wi-Fi, were technologically unsavvy, etc. it was not helpful. I remember being booted out of meetings due to Wi-Fi issues myself. It was very frustrating. The Province of Ontario, Canada finally declared 12 Step meetings essential, and people could meet in person. Unfortunately, fear had already set in, and the majority of meetings did not reopen for a very long time. Luckily, my home group did not let fear get in the way of fulfilling the 12^th Step and we opened our doors. For a long time, we were the only group in my area that had face-to-face meetings. I remember the first meeting we had after the original lockdown – it was a spiritual experience. I realized the importance of seeing and talking to people in person rather than via a camera. Many AA members were so grateful they joined the group.

With the introduction of vaccines, etc. the world started to reopen and so did many 12 Step groups. However, now they have started asking people to write their name and phone number down before entering. I have over 16 years sobriety and wasn’t bothered by this at all. However, for a newcomer who is wary of coming to a meeting, and is dependent on anonymity to get them through the doors, this move may have turned them away. As anyone in recovery knows the window for change is very small and once an obstacle comes in your way one will return to their comfort zone – active addiction. This can be deadly and for many during the pandemic it was. Canada had it’s most overdoses ever. A sad state of affairs indeed.

Now I see AA members demanding that we ask for a vaccine passport. To me this breaks Tradition 10, “Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy. I understand this demand is based on fear. Fear guided me through my active years in addiction. When I got sober, completed the Steps and “recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (Big Book, 1939) I let go of fear and continue to try my best not to let it control my life today. It’s time to for us to stick to the basics and to follow through with Step 12, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the results of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs”.

Dave the Dude

Recovery versus the Pandemic: Oh the challenges

 

It’s been over a year of this pandemic and it has been challenging for everyone. One thing I have learned in sobriety is that one must accept life on life terms and this pandemic is no exception. I’ve had many challenges in my recovery from the death of my beloved Father to colon cancer which resulted in an extremely painful recovery that almost led to a nervous breakdown. The pain was so great that I decided to take Percocet as prescribed by my doctor. I informed my sponsor of this decision and took the pills as directed. I stopped taking them once the pain became tolerable. That painful experience provided me with a whole new respect of people who deal with chronic pain. But I digress – I was talking about the challenges of this pandemic One word - Zoom. At the beginning of the pandemic, when all the meetings shuttered (at least in my area), it was the saving grace. People were able to attend meetings across the world. Which is pretty damn cool!! I stuck to my area and primarily to my home group. Unfortunately my Wi-Fi connection wasn’t the best and there was many the time where I lost the connection and was only able to attend part of the meeting. Usually meetings leave me feeling serene but when I have technical problems my serenity is quickly lost. But I managed. I was able to fix my Wi-Fi issues and the meetings went on. Several months in my home group was finally able to meet in person. Oh the gratitude!! One never really appreciates something until it’s taken away from them. When my home group got back together, following our first lockdown, it was like coming home after a long voyage. I realized the importance of in-person meetings. Even if you can’t hug one another (my home group is very close) it makes all the difference. My area has been back in a lockdown situation twice since then but my group continues to meet in-person. As far as I know we are the only group doing this in my area. There’s a 10 person limit and COVID19 safety protocols are followed. The most people we’ve had so far have been nine. I’m hoping once the weather warms up, and we can hold meetings outside, those numbers will increase

One of the things I have to look out for in sobriety is when I start to isolate. It’s a sure warning sign that I have to make some changes. But when one is forced to isolate, as a result of public safety protocol, then it makes things tough. One thing that alcoholic/addicts are good at is facing adversity and I had to make allowances. From social media recovery groups, to texting and calling close friends in recovery (including my sponsor) I was able to keep in touch with healthy people in recovery. I’ll still be glad when I’m able to do this in person. But as previously said - life on life terms and this is the current reality.

A big challenge I have faced during this pandemic was career wise. I had been working for the same place for over four years – a non-profit organization which helps people with mental health issues. When the pandemic hit there were a lot of changes and many of the organization’s programs were shut down. Staff were crammed together, vacations declined and punitive and illogical safety procedures were put in place. Management used this to their advantage and were able to turn certain staff into spies (AKA: snitches) who reported anything they deemed unsafe from someone who forgot to put a mask on within 30 seconds of leaving a non-mask area to someone eating at their desk (because for some illogical reason health authorities deemed eating a cookie at desk as a sure way to pass COVID on). Staff began to distrust each other and morale plummeted. Then redeployment a moment’s notice began. For some reason this redeployment was forced, primarily, on myself and one other colleague. One day I was asked to redeploy and lost my temper. I raised my voice and swore to aloud. Unfortunately one of the snitches was around and decided that me getting upset made the workplace unsafe for her. The snitch called the evil manager (who the week before had yelled at client causing the client to feel unsafe resulting in the client leaving the facility) and that manager began an investigation. The investigation involved interviewing everyone but me. As a result I was fired. The union is currently grieving this. Two hours after getting fired I had a new job. I look back at this situation and, as AA has taught me, look at my part in it. My part is losing my temper and not having my acceptance higher than my expectations. My expectations were that management would treat all employees equal. Alas this rarely happens in the world.

As my area returns to another 28 day lockdown all I can do is accept this and live life on life’s terms. My home group continues to meet face-to-face and I thank my higher power for that! I have a roof over my head and a job. I’m sober, above the grass and not in jail. Alas, for many this is not the case and the pandemic has made it hard for newcomers. Higher power willing this pandemic will soon be over and AA can return to as it once was.

Dave the Dude.