The Four Sons of Passover Meet the Four Types of Addicts in Recovery

Last weekend I attended the annual Passover Seders. A Seder is when Jewish families, friends, etc. sit around the dinner table and read the story of how Moses led the Jewish people out of bondage from Egypt. Part of the Seder includes how to explain the traditions and rituals to four different types of children. There is the Wise Child, The Contrary Child, The Simple Child and the Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How to Ask A Question. The last few years when going through this part of the Seder I’ve often thought that I could use these types of children as metaphors of different types of alcoholic/addicts.

The Wise Child I equate to the alcoholic/addict who has finally hit such a rock bottom that he is now, “willing to go to anything lengths” (Big Book, 1939) to get sober. This type of addict a sponsor can take through the Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous (AKA: Big Book), explaining what each part means with little to no push back. I reached this level following my last relapse (if you call several years a relapse – maybe a lapse?) and have never looked back. I followed the directions of those who went before me and the questions I asked were more about clarification than disagreement.

The Contrary Child I equate to the addict who hasn’t surrendered yet. He is still trying to make the program fit into his needs. This addict is often the one who tries to stay sober on “frothy, emotional, appeal” (Big Book, 1939). He is the one known as a two-stepper – he works Step One and Step 12 skipping all the steps that allows him a happy, joyous and free life and provides him with the ability to properly fulfil Step 12. As it is written in the Big Book’s Chapter A Vision For You if one’s own house is not in order one is not able to properly pass on the message. The Contrary Child, more often than not, relapses and continues to think that willpower alone will be enough to wage war on his addiction. The Contrary Child is deep into denial still unable to, “differentiate the truth from the false” (Big Book, 1939). The Contrary Child is the alcoholic who gets stuck on semantics using the word “God” as a reason not to change.

The Simple Child can be equated to someone brand new to recovery. She has not tried to become abstinent before and wants to learn. If she hooks up with the right kind of sponsor and recovery support group she will ease into recovery without many issues. The willingness is there for sobriety and it just needs to connect with the right kind of teachers.

The Child Who Does Not Even Know How To Ask A Question is also new to recovery but lacks the willingness of the Simple Child. She often gravitates to the Contrary Child still stuck in the notion that in order to be accepted she must change into what others want her to be. This addict will stick with the person who fights recovery following him in his bad habits and contrariness.

I hope that the latter three types of alcoholics/addicts will eventually, due to emotional and spiritual pain, change into the Wise Child and in the course of time become recovered and, in turn, become a sponsor or in this metaphor the leader of the Seder.

Good Pesach to my fellow recovered Yid and remember the four glasses of wine ritual can be carried out using grape juice. The four beverages just have to be from fruit that is grown on a vine.

Next Year in Recovery.

Dave the Dude

Dave the Dude's Guide to Sponsorship

Sponsorship is an important part of 12 Step Recovery. The term first came about in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous. This was a time before withdrawal management services. Alcoholics who needed to be detoxed in a hospital had to be “sponsored” by a member, in good standing, of AA. The sponsor would be responsible for the person prior to, during and after their stay in the hospital. This type of 12^th Step work eventually evolved into the type of sponsorship we have today.

A sponsor’s main job is to take a person through the 12 Step program. If that someone hasn’t completed the 12 Steps then I don’t think they have any business sponsoring someone. It’s my opinion that a sponsor is not there to be the boss of a sponsee. A sponsor is neither better nor worse than the person they are helping. We are equal when it comes to a 12 Step program. Some of us have more experience and are therefore suited to help another. A sponsor is there to provide their experience and not anything else. If you have a sponsor (or any Fellowship member) who starts to give you medical advice I’d stay far away from that person. I had a sponsee ask me for advice on a big financial decision he had to make. I had never faced the type of decision he was mulling over, explained this to him and suggested he talk to a professional trained in the type of advice he needed. Some people tend to let their egos get ahead of them and provide advice that could be disastrous.

Many sponsor’s dump their sponsees for not being willing enough. In my opinion this goes against the Responsibility Pledge, “I am Responsible when anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that I am responsible”. I don’t see anywhere in the pledge stating, “I’m only responsible if they show enthusiasm.” I believe that if someone asks for help then give it. Maybe the person only asks for help when they get into trouble and then, “can’t remember with sufficient force the pain and suffering of a month or even a week ago” (Big Book, 1939) and disappear for a while. Eventually, they may reach a point in their lives where the willingness stays and they follow through with their initial motivation to seek help. If I’m telling them, “too bad, you haven’t shown the proper motivation in the past to follow through”, then I’m not being very responsible.

There is no single way to find a sponsor. I only know how I did it. I went to a lot of discussion meetings when I first entered into recovery. I noticed that there was a group of men who were at the same meetings I went to and were there on a consistent basis. I liked what these guys had to say and could tell they were not bullshitting but were walking the talk. One of the men had appeared to have the same sense of humour as me and we got along well. I was attracted to his recovery and so asked him to be my sponsor.

Some newcomers need help right away so chose to get what’s called a temporary sponsor. Sometimes the temporary sponsor becomes a permanent sponsor and sometimes not. When I use the word permanent I don’t mean forever. As all things in 12 Step recovery sponsorship is open to change. One can change a sponsor when one wants to. If one is doing this a lot though I’d recommend you take a look as to why. I am also a firm believer in men sticking with men and women with women – why open yourself up to possible problems?

Dave the Dude

You can have fun in recovery

https://youtu.be/w8RJomFmJ2o