May The 12 Steps Be With You

I recently saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens and it got me to thinking about the two sides of the The Force and how they could be used as an analogy for a Higher Power (the Light Side|) and its opposite (the Dark Side). It seems to me that before a Jedi completely dedicates himself to the Dark Side he is in a state of turmoil. It’s during this stage of turmoil that the 12 Steps could be used to bring the individual back to the Light Side.

Let’s take a look at the Dark Side. It seems to be similar to one’s addiction. Be it alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. it has some type of attraction for the lost soul. And as any good Star Wars fan would know, the Jedi trudge a long road before they are able to fully embrace the light side of The Force (AKA: have a spiritual awakening). During this journey the easier softer way of the Dark Side can lure an individual off the righteous path and into disaster. If the Jedi Master, training the pigeon, notices his student is being lured away then the 12 Steps could be used to bring the person back into the Light Side’s fold.

1.      We were powerless over the Dark Side and our lives had become unmanageable.

2.      Came to believe that the Light Side could restore us to sanity.

3.      Turned our will and our lives over to the Light Side of The Force as we understood it.

4.      Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.      Admitted to the Force, ourselves and our Jedi Master the true nature of our wrongs.

6.      Were entirely ready to have The Force remover our defects of character.

7.      Humbly used The Force to remove our shortcomings.

8.      Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.      Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the Light Side of The Force, praying only for its knowledge and the power to carry that out.

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other Jedi and practice these principles in all our affairs.

By following these Steps, under the direction of a Jedi Master, a fledgling Jedi will be able to resist the attraction the Dark Side offers thus safeguarding the galaxy for all sentient beings yet to come.

Wishing you a prosperous and spiritual 2016 and, of course, may The Force be with you.

Dave the Dude

It's Not All About You

Alcoholics Anonymous’ primary purpose is to help the still suffering alcoholic. This means that when we share at a meeting we identify ourselves as an alcoholic and share on alcohol related issues only. For some reason this tradition causes some people to be offended, go into their own little conniption and/or cause a whole big scene where one is not needed.

Alcoholics Anonymous was formed so that people suffering from the disease of alcoholism could find a way to recover. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting of AA (or at any other fellowship for that matter). If a newcomer walks into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and hears someone state that he is an addict and/or hear someone start sharing about their extensive drug use that newcomer may think he is in the wrong place and walk out. This simple misunderstanding could lead to that newcomer’s death. For alcoholism, as any addiction, is a fatal disease.

I’m both an alcoholic and addict. When I talk to someone one-on-one I often share that I was a rye swilling, carpet crawling, alcoholic crack addict. However, I found my recovery in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and the least I can do is show the Fellowship respect by honouring the primary purpose. That is why when I share at a meeting I identify myself as an alcoholic not an alcoholic/addict. When I share my story I talk about alcohol and although drugs are a part of my story I merely state that I drank alcohol and was involved in outside issues. The farthest I go in mentioning my drug use is to say I snorted some white powder which allowed me to drink even more and longer than usual.  What I don’t’ say is, drugs are a part of my story and it’s an honest program so I’m going to break the primary purpose and talk about them. To me that would be reverting back to my character defect of manipulation.  I fully understand that there are a lot of dually addicted people in AA and for that reason I’m happy to discuss alcohol and drugs on a one-on-one basis after the meeting is complete.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not one of those guys who think if a newcomer comes to a meeting and says they are an addict that they should be told to go. That newcomer is unaware of this primary purpose so, to me, they are allowed to make this faux pas. It’s the people who’ve been around the rooms for a long time and go out of their way to break the primary purpose who really rankle me. I’ve seen a guy stand up at the front of the room and state he’s an addict and won’t let narrow minded people bully him into not identifying as one. It seemed to me that he was the one bully the rest of the Fellowship so that he could have his own way. I seem to remember that part of my disease always wanting my own way – lack of power that is our dilemma. By trying to guilt and/or bully people into allowing you to break the primary purpose you are succumbing to the spiritual malady of this disease.

If it’s so important to you to identify as an addict then there are lots of other Fellowship out there you can do that in. Hell, I attend a regular CA meeting where I proudly state that I’m a recovered alcoholic/addict. I do that as that is CA’s (at least the one in my area) custom and I have no desire to show CA any disrespect. Just as I wish no disrespect on Alcoholics Anonymous which introduced the 12 Step Program to the world (adopted by over 200 other fellowships) and which not only helped me put my disease into remission but provided me with a whole new outlook and perception on life.

Dave the Dude

Government and Gambling: Good or Bad?

The other day I was in my local corner store grinding my teeth as I waited for a lotto ticket person to have her tickets checked. As I heard the familiar, “WINNER – GAGNANT” I began to ponder the ethicality of government sponsored gambling.  

If the Ontario (Canada) government were a for-profit corporation it would have the best scam in town in when it comes to gambling. Not only does it run all the gaming but it’s also in the business of helping gambling addicts. This can’t be blamed on the current, inept, Liberal government, for all three parties have benefited from this set up when in power.

I tried to find the exact number of games the Ontario government runs but am not sure if I got all of them. Here’s what I did find:

·        The Ontario Lottery Gaming (OLG) Corporation has at least 25 scratch and win tickets available to the public.

·        The OLG runs a minimum 14 lotteries in the province.

·        There are 59 online games available (some experts would contend that online gaming is the most addictive).

So there are quite a lot of games for people to get into trouble playing. Many of us have heard the advice/slogan of the OLG – Play within your limit.  Telling a gambling addict this is like telling an alcoholic to only have one drink. It doesn’t work. All addictions have one thing in common: the inability for the addict to moderate and/or stop his addiction. The only way for an addict, gambling, drug or otherwise to begin to get better is to be abstinent from whatever he is addicted to. For the gambler this means no more gambling. Be it poker, scratch and win or a lottery.  Although, the jury is still out on whether a gambling addict can play Tim Hortons’ Roll up the Rim to Win.

Gambling has to be one of the worse addictions ever. I’m a recovered alcoholic/addict and will be forever grateful that I never became a gambling addict. If I were to relapse on drugs and/or alcohol I would have an immediate negative consequence. However, if a gambling addict relapses and wins she has a false positive. The disease will kick in and tell the addict that, “hey, you don’t have a problem you just won”. This can have devastating consequences. Of all addictions gambling has the highest suicide rate. The reason being that addict loses so much so fast.

It is this type of disease that the Ontario government via the OLG is helping to prosper. Don’t get me wrong I am not blaming the government, casinos, etc. for the problem gambler. That would be as if I blame liquor companies for my alcoholism. However, the liquor companies didn’t get me hooked then try to fix me. One of the jobs of a government is look out for its citizens’ welfare. The government is there to protect us from terrorists, criminals, health hazards and disease. Addiction is a disease. Gambling addiction is a disease of the mind. Researchers have proven that the areas of the brain stimulated by cocaine are exactly the same as the areas stimulated by gambling.  So if the government is providing the tools for gamblers to get addicted isn’t it going against its mandate of protecting its citizens?

The monies, made by government sponsored games, are put back into government coffers to help run the province. Very little, if any, is put into helping gambling addicts. The same could be said for the taxes raised by liquor sales – little, if any, are put into alcohol addiction programs. In fact, the government provides more money for harm reduction programs than abstinent based programs. As noted above the only true hope for an addict is abstinence from whatever he is addicted to.  So the question is: is it ethical for the government to be in the gambling business?

Here are some stats from https://www.problemgambling.ca/EN/Documents/FA_GamblingProblemGamblinginCanada.pdf

• 3.2% of Canadian adults are affected by moderate to severe problem gambling.

• 2.2% of youth aged 15–24 are affected by moderate risk or problem gambling.

Back to the story of me waiting for the lotto ticket person to have her tickets checked. It took a couple minutes for the machine to find all the winning tickets. Once this was done the winnings were given to the customer. The customer than began the slow process of buying more lottery tickets and picking out more scratch and win tickets. I usually wait patiently, yet annoyed, while this type of interaction takes place. And it DOES take place a lot. But this time it was going on 10 minutes and I finally lost it. I politely asked the sales person if I could make my purchase while the lotto person decided which tickets she wanted to scratch.

Next time you are in line behind one of these lotto people I would suggest you take a look at their clothes and shoes of said person. If they are spending loads of money on lotto tickets yet have holes in their shoes and clothes you are probably looking at an addict.

Dave the Dude

Can a Sociopath Benefit from a 12 Step Program?

In 2007 actor Kevin Costner starred in a movie entitled Mr. Brooks. The movie is about a serial killer who views his obsession to kill as similar to the obsession an alcoholic has to consume alcohol. In an attempt to stop murdering people Costner’s character, Mr. Brooks, joins Alcoholics Anonymous. Unfortunately, for both Mr. Brooks and another person, he relapses. Mr. Brooks is what some psychiatrists would call a sociopath or in terms of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV he has antisocial personality disorder. When hearing the term sociopath people immediately think of a serial killer. However, many sociopaths live amongst us without ever committing murder. In fact, they are very hard to spot. The 12 Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a cognitive-behavioural program with a spiritual component. The movie, and a book I recently read, has made me wonder if a psychopath can get better through use of the 12 Steps.

In author Martha Stout’s book the sociopath next door she states that four per cent of the population is a sociopath or four people out of 100. Ten per cent of the population is alcoholic so one has a greater chance of being a psychopath than an alcoholic. Stout explains a psychopath is someone without a conscience. He/she may understand right and wrong in an intellectual fashion but he/she does not care if they commit a wrong act – an act that would hurt another individual and/or animal.

There are some commonalities between a sociopath and an alcoholic. The first commonality being, the sociopath’s need to control everything. As a recovered alcoholic/addict I know that a big part of my addiction was fed through the delusion that I could control everything. If everyone in the world just did what I wanted them to do than I all would be well. As the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous (AKA: The Big Book) puts it, the alcoholic wants to be the director and control the actors and lights, etc. on the stage of the world. The frustration caused by one’s lack of control is a big part of one’s need to drink. The Big Book states, “lack of power that was our dilemma”. The sociopath wants to exert control over everything around him. Another commonality between the sociopath and the alcoholic/addict is impulsiveness. The sociopath makes impulsive decision to fill his need for immediate gratification just as the alcoholic/addict does the same. The alcoholic/addict will eventually begin to break the law in an attempt to satiate his obsessive need to self-medicate. The sociopath begins to break the law to quench his need of control over others. While the alcoholic/addict feels guilt and shame over his actions the sociopath feels nothing as he has no emotions. This lack of emotion and/or conscience is why I believe the 12 Step program would not work for a sociopath.

Through working the 12 Steps I found out that part of the reason I drank and used was to push down the feelings of guilt and shame I got due to the actions I took to obtain alcohol and drugs and because of what I did while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I would steal to get money for drugs, self-medicate, sober up and feel bad about stealing and my mind would tell me to get more drugs to rid myself of these bad feelings. This cycle of addiction continued until I was sick of living that way and faced my feelings head on. A sociopath does not feel bad when hurting another living creature and so there is nothing to face.

A 12 Step program required me to find a power greater than myself. This power could be anything I chose as long as it wasn’t myself or another human being. I balked at first at this requirement and then realized that alcohol and drugs were the catalyst to me doing things I would never thought myself capable of and therefore these manmade things had become a higher power to me With this realization it was easy for me to come to believe that there could be something greater than drugs and alcohol and therefore myself. I chose the power of positivity and people or as Dr. Carl Jung termed it the collective unconscious. A sociopath thinks she is at the top of the food chain and better than everyone and everything and therefore would not be able to find a power greater than her. Without the ability to find a power greater than oneself the sociopath lacks the ability to carry out a fundamental requirement in completing the 12 Steps. With the lack of a conscience and a high power the sociopath would not be able to carry out the amends part of the 12 Step program as well. If the sociopath did find himself making amends it would only be a gambit to fulfil a preconceived goal the sociopath has come up with.

As a result of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous I was able to recover from the disease of addiction. But I feel if a sociopath tried to seek the same recovery through the Steps she would clearly fail. Even an alcoholic sociopath would fail.

Dave the Dude

Resentment is a Dish Best Served Cold

The basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous (1939) tells us that the number one killer of the alcoholic is resentment. It also suggests, and many members of the Fellowship concur, that praying for the person you have the resentment against is the way to get over it. In my experience this is easier said than done, unless you’re praying for that person to get hit by a bus.

When I did my Fourth Step I listed my resentments and then completed the inventory process. By the end I was over the resentments. One person I left off my first Fourth Step was my mother. She had passed away prior to my entering recovery and I felt that if I said I resented her it was speaking ill of the dead. A few years in I realized this was not the case and did a second Fourth in which I was able to deal with the resentment. I have repeated this process over the years for new resentments and have always been successful. That is until recently. \

Due to a series of events I ended up getting a huge resentment towards a few people. These resentments were much stronger resentments than I had ever had before. Part of the problem with getting over the resentments was that I was involved in a type of legal battle against those I had the resentment against. I had accepted my part in the incident and that helped, however, just when my resentments were starting to decrease I would get a call from my lawyer asking me questions and/or giving me an update on things causing the resentments to come back in a strong way. I quickly realized that as long as I was embroiled in this legal issue I wouldn’t be able to properly deal with the resentments.

After approximately four months the legal issue was complete. The resolution was not to my satisfaction but at least the whole thing was done. Without a constant reminder of the incident I was soon able to start the process of getting over these resentments. I’d like to say I’m completely over them but there is still some residue. I have stopped spending part of my day plotting revenge against the perpetrators. I still think they’re assholes but a wise man once told me that sometimes an asshole is just an asshole. I look to these people as spiritually sick individuals who couldn’t help but do what they did. Kind of like that scorpion who got the ride from that frog.

Dave the Dude

Idiots Guide to Speaking at an Open Meeting

There are more open speaker meetings than closed discussion meetings in my area. I love both types of meetings. For me open speaker meetings are a great place for fellowship and to hear a message of hope while closed discussion meetings are great places to share a problem and/or get down to the nitty gritty of the Steps and recovery.

I’ve heard some great speakers and some not-so-great speakers. I understand that people who share at the front of the rooms at 12 Step meetings are not professional speakers but I hear a lot of speakers who fail to transmit, in my humble opinion, what the Founders of Alcoholics Anonymous intended when they started the Fellowship. The basic text Alcoholics Anonymous advises us to share in a general way what happened, what it is was like and what it’s like today AKA our experience strength and hope. I hear too many people not following these simple directions. As a result I thought I’d provide my own guide to how a speaker meeting should be.

When it’s my turn to chair my home group’s speaker meeting it’s up to me to choose the speaker. This is a great responsibility. I am obligated to choose a speaker who will provide a good message to those who attend the meeting, especially the newcomers in attendance. In order to fulfil this commitment properly I have a few guidelines when choosing a speaker. The easiest way is to have already heard the person speak before. By choosing someone I’ve heard before I can be confident that they will provide a proper message of recovery. But if this was the only way people chose speakers than we’d never hear anyone new. To overcome this obstacle I will chose someone I have gotten to know either in person and/or have heard share numerous times at a closed discussion meeting. One can usually judge what kind of talk a person will give at an open meeting if one has already heard that person share on a smaller scale elsewhere. Once the speaker is asked and has accepted it is then up to them.

Now let’s go back to the suggestions on how to share – what happened (experience), what it was like (strength) and what it’s like today (hope) The first part of this equation should be brief but is essential to the talk in order for the newcomer to identify with. Far too often speakers make this part the longest portion of their talk which I believe is wrong. When I speak I will share examples of how the phenomenon of craving affected me and also how the obsession over alcohol/drugs ruled my life. I make this part simple and to the point. I then move on to the second part of what it was like (strength).  I firmly believe that this should be the longest part of one’s talk in an open meeting. This is the part where I share how I overcame my addiction and put the disease in remission. I explain how I worked each of the 12 Steps and the importance of them in my recovery. Finally I will come to the third part of my talk which is what it is like now (hope). Having, “had a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from [addiction]” I am a recovered alcoholic/addict and share how my life is today. Just because I’m recovered doesn’t mean everything goes smoothly for me but I am now able to handle what life throws at me without having to self-medicate. Despite the bumps in the road I face I let those in attendance know that my life is far better than it was when I was active in my addiction and in so doing I attempt to give the newcomer some hope that they too can have a better life if they stick with and work the program.

My speaking skills, like my recovery, have evolved since I first entered the program on January 7, 2005. I try to be entertaining while fulfilling the task I have committed to. There was a time I focused more on making people laugh than sharing what I was supposed to and it never went well. I’ve also had more things happen to me then when I first spoke and if I feel they are important I share them as well. Sometimes something significant is going on in my life and I will include that. This helps me in my recover and may also help someone else who is facing similar challenges in their recovery. For me the best talks are those from the heart and because of this I never plan out what I’m going to say. I mean, I have some idea but nothing is written down and often what I thought I might say and what actually comes out of my mouth it totally different. During the moment of silence at the beginning of the meeting I will ask my Higher Power to work through me to help the still suffering alcoholic. This is what has worked best for me and I hope you can take my suggestions to heart.

Dave the Dude

DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT?

In my humble opinion humour is essential to recovery. If one can’t have fun in recovery then what’s the point of staying clean and sober? When I decided to give up the high cost of low living I had no idea what recovery would entail. I figured that Alcoholics Anonymous was just a place where a bunch of people sat around a table and commiserated about how rotten life was since they couldn’t get wasted anymore. Thank God I was wrong because if that was the reality I wouldn’t have stayed long. Leaving my first meeting I had some hope that life could get better and would be enjoyable. One must always remember Rule 62 of Alcoholics Anonymous – don’t take yourself so seriously. Keeping this mind here is my list of things you don’t want to hear at a 12 Step meeting.

1)      When the speaker opens with, “I’m not a long speaker”, beware. I have fell for this line many the time. In over a decade of experience I have learned that when the speaker says this line you are in for one hell of a long talk. That would okay if the talk was good but inevitably it is long and boring. Which leads me to the next thing you don’t want to hear at a meeting…

2)      When the speaker opens with, “I’m not one for drunkalogs”, you are not only in for a long talk but one with little reference to actual recovery. Usually these talks are indeed a drunkalog and focus on drunken exploits of the speaker.

3)      When it comes to Alcoholics Anonymous and its singleness of purpose you will often hear  a speaker say, “I respect AA’s singleness of purpose but drugs are a part of my story and I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t talk about them.” To me a statement like this is equivalent to someone saying, “don’t take offense but you are an asshole.” Just because the person told me not to take offense doesn’t mean they’re let off the hook for calling me an asshole. The same goes for the saying you respect the singleness of purpose but go on and discuss drug use anyway. I was a carpet crawling, whisky swilling, alcoholic/addict but when I speak at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous I use the term “outside issues” when referring to my drug use. At the most I’ll refer to a white powder I snorted that helped me drink more. There’s nothing in the Traditions that says I can’t share my experience with drug use on an individual basis and that’s what I do in Alcoholics Anonymous.

4)      One thing that drives me crazy occurs at discussion meetings. At many meetings right before they close the chairperson will ask, “is there anyone here with a burning desire to share before we close?” To me this means that if someone is in trouble and needs to get something off their chance or they risk drinking/using then please speak now. What usually happens is that some guy who loves the sound of his own voice (who has already shared during the meeting) will put up his hand and talk just to get a last word in.

5)      Often times you’ll hear the advice, “don’t drink and go to meetings”. Not drinking and meetings are great but if you don’t actually do the 12 Step Program as laid out in the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous you have a great chance of becoming a dry drunk and/or relapsing.

6)      Often in 12 Steps meetings (in all Fellowships) you will hear that relapse is part of recovery. There’s two ways to take that. If when saying this one means that relapse begins as soon as a person, in recovery, begins to have stinking thinking and stops his spiritual maintenance then, yes, relapse is part of recovery and one has to learn how to become aware when this happens to stop it before it leads to a drink or drug. However, often times when someone says this they mean it’s okay if one takes that drink or drug because it was inevitable. Well, I call bullshit on that. That type of relapse is not part of recovery. If one thinks that is true then one is setting himself up for failure by keeping a back door open in one’s mind to go back out.

Some other things that people often share drive me batty. I don’t need to be lectured to (just share your experience). When someone tells me how to pray that is not helpful. I can’t count the number of times that someone has stood at the front of a room and told people that if they don’t pray on their knees then they will not stay sober. I don’t pray on my knees. My Higher Power lifted me up off my knees so I’m not going back down on them. Once in a while you will hear a speaker chastise the audience about not giving enough money during the Seventh Tradition. The Tenth Step Axiom states that when I don’t like something about someone else it’s usually because I see something in that person I don’t like about myself. So don’t put your guilt over not giving to the Seventh on to me. People who lecture on this don’t know the financial situation of those in the audience. “There are no dues or fees” – that should always be remembered.

These are just a few of the things I often hear at 12 Step meetings that I take with a grain of salt.

Dave the Dude

The Recovery Manifesto

The definition of manifesto according to Merriam-Webster is: a written statement that describes the policies, goals and opinions of a person or group.

We usually hear about a manifesto following some sort of tragedy when the psycho who committed said tragedy releases it to the media. Then there is the famous Communist Manifesto which, according to who you talk to, could be seen in a positive or negative light. Other manifestos include Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I have a dream speech” and The US Declaration of Independence  and the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. I’ve decided to come up with my own manifesto:

The Recovery Manifesto

I believe that addiction is a disease. As stated by many physicians, most notably Dr. William Silkworth (Alcoholics Anonymous, 1939), addiction (Silkworth was talking about alcoholism but I am including all mind-altering substances) is disease of the mind and body. The physical aspect is much like an allergy whereby an addict has an abnormal reaction to the substance he is taking. For example: An alcoholic will take a drink which will set off an abnormal reaction whereby he cannot stop drinking until he runs out of booze, passes out, etc. If that were the only part of the disease then the addict could just stop whatever he was taking. However, there is a mental aspect of addiction whereby the addict does not believe that he has a problem with the substance and that it is the solution to the difficulties he is facing in life. As a result of this insane thinking the addict continues to take substances despite the evidence that is causing more harm than good.

There is no cure for addiction but there are certain methods whereby an addict can put her addiction into remission. Although there are many actions an addict can do to help addiction into remission the most successful one and primary tool should be a 12 Step Program. I.E. – the 12 Steps as laid out in the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous (1939). Once the addict has taken the Steps and incorporated them into her life she can then make use of other tools of recovery to enhance her new way of living.  Some of these tools include proper nutrition; exercise; mindfulness (staying in the now) and alternative self-care methods such as hypnosis and acupuncture.

Whereas I acknowledge that the 12 Step Program is the primary tool for putting one’s addiction into remission I in no way believe that it is the answer to all of life’s problems. If an addict suffers from an other disease (such as mental disorders) then the 12 Step Program, while being beneficial, will not be the primary treatment of the disease.  Doctors are knowledgeable of the treatment of diseases while another fellow addict who is recovered is only knowledgeable when it comes to his own story and can therefore only expound on that. A fellow recovered person is only there to share his experience, strength and hope not to give advice based on opinion.

A person in recovery has the right to be happy, joyous and free. While this write is essential it cannot be used to trample upon another person’s efforts to be happy, joyous and free (as long as that person is also practicing the principles of recovery – honesty, openness and willingness).

As a recovered person I am responsible for my actions (both while in recovery and during active addiction) and must accept the consequences of said actions. It is hoped that those actions will be positive ones and as a result the consequences’ of those actions will be positive as well.

While respecting the spiritual foundation of anonymity I recognize the need to educate the public on the disease of addiction with the hopes that such education will destigmatize addicts and promote better treatment for addicts as sick people rather than criminals. The spiritual foundation of recovery includes, but is not limited to, not revealing which 12 Step fellowship I belong to and the names of other fellowship members. I am fully within my rights to reveal my own identity in hopes of educating non-addicts but not within my rights in revealing other addicts’ names who have not reached this stage of development within their own recovery. Addiction is a major societal and health care issue and I will do my best lobby those in power to treat it as such.

It is hoped that by sticking to this manifesto more people will be able to find recovery and live their life to its full potential.

Dave the Dude

Drinking and Driving - Been There

Drunk driving has been the main subject of talk on the public airwaves following the recent tragic deaths of three children and their grandfather. The motorist who caused the accident was allegedly drunk at the time of the accident. Whenever a story like this comes up in the news I say a little prayer and mutter the words, “but for the grace of God go I.”

I am a person of long-term recovery not having taken a drink or mind-altering substance since January 7, 2005. However, prior to that date I was an active alcoholic/addict and driving under the influence was a regular occurrence. For that I am deeply ashamed. I put the lives of those I drove with and those on the road at risk. Part of recovery is taking responsibility not only for your disease but for the actions carried out while active in that disease. As part of 12 Step Recovery I take responsibility for my actions by making amends. When it comes to drinking and driving the only amends I can make is what’s called a living amends – not drinking and driving (not drinking or drugging at all for that matter) and trying my best to help those suffering from the disease of addiction to stop so that they do not drink and drive. During the time I drank and drove I never injured myself or anyone else and as a result did not have to make any direct amends. Saying this I could have easily had an accident and injured or even killed someone. It was only by divine intervention that this never occurred.

Rationalization is a mainstay for the active alcoholic/addict. We rationalize the reasons we use and we rationalize the behaviours that come as a result of that using. I was a king at rationalizing my alcohol/drug use. When I drank and drove I rationalized to myself the many reasons it was okay. Insanity is part of the disease of addiction and the type of thinking I was using to rationalize my drinking and driving was clearly insane.

I remember early into my recovery I was hanging out with some friends at a type of reunion. Although I was not drinking some of the attendees were. I noticed that one of my friends was drinking a lot and made a comment that he should slow down as he was driving. Upon hearing this, another friend turned to me and said, “you’re one to talk”. At the time I had no response and shut-up. I talked to my sponsor a few days later and related this story. He told me that I should have said, yes I drank and drove and I was an asshole for doing so but that doesn’t mean others should. Thankfully I haven’t had to caution anyone else about drinking driving since then but I am prepared if the situation ever arises.

When hearing about people drinking and driving I have some sympathy for them as I’m pretty sure they are suffering from alcoholism. My grand-sponsor once said, “if someone drinks and drives they are clearly alcoholic for that is insane.” While saying this I don’t condone the behaviour but I do pray that the person gets the help they need and for the families they have injured.

Dave the Dude

I'm An Addict But Am I An Alcoholic?

At heart I’m an alcoholic but by the end of my drinking/drugging career I was a daily crack addict. I’m actually grateful that I was addicted to crack because it was the thing that brought me to my knees – literally. I often share that I was a whisky swilling, carpet crawling crack head. If it weren’t for the crack ramming me into my rock bottom I, sincerely, believe I would have continued drinking and ended up dying of pancreatitis.  

When I finally surrendered I had no qualms about becoming totally abstinent from all mind altering substances. The only substances I ever quit on my own were marijuana and tobacco. I did quit powder cocaine on my own but only because I switched to crack. Once you have crack you never go back. In my dealings with other people trying to recover from addiction I’ve found those who seek help due to an addiction to a substance other than alcohol often find it hard to admit that they cannot safely take a drink again.

There are several reasons for this the foremost being that drinking can lead one back to whatever one liked to use on a regular basis. Notice I didn’t say lead one back to one’s drug of choice – I didn’t use that term as I know I never had a choice when it came to alcohol and/or crack. Dr. William Silkworth called the phenomenon of craving an alcoholic faces when taking that first drink an allergy. An allergy can be defined as an “abnormal reaction” to something. The other night at a meeting I heard someone use this analogy perfectly when explaining why an addict shouldn’t use alcohol. I know that once I had at least two drinks I would be looking to score some crack. The person at the meeting asked the question, when a normal person has a couple of drinks do they start seeking out crack (or opiates, etc.)? No but the addicted person does – this is an abnormal reaction to drinking.

Another reason an addict shouldn’t drink is that alcohol lowers one’s inhibitions and can allow the mental aspect of the disease to kick in. A couple of drinks in and the disease is telling the person, hey let’s go score it’ll only be for this one night. The disease of addiction is the only disease that tries to trick the sufferer into thinking he/she doesn’t have it.

Maybe someone starts drinking and doesn’t return to their regularly used substance. The danger here is that a dual addiction may kick in and the person starts to use alcohol to escape life instead of what they used before.

Once I completed the 12 Steps, as laid down in the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous, I could truly state that I am a recovered alcoholic/addict. The 12 Step program is a cognitive behavioural program with a spiritual aspect. When one uses mind altering substances he is blocking himself from the spiritual side of recovery. If one is truly seeking spiritual growth than one should have no qualms about not taking any kind of mind altering substance (this does not include mental health medication prescribed by a physician).

Dave the Dude

The Ebbs and Flows of Recovery

Prior to my sobering up my life was in a constant state of chaos. In fact, I would say that I was addicted to chaos. My highs were really high and my lows were really low. If I was ever in a period of calm it didn’t last very long. Once I sobered up and began to make changes within (that effected changes without) my life began to steady out. In recovery I learned that my addiction to chaos included some need to be ever excited. I went to all lengths to increase my excitement causing me to act out in outlandish ways. I once allowed my buddies to dangle me over a 24 storey balcony. I used to, purposely, set myself on fire thinking it was funny. I would find myself in places and surrounded by people that I couldn’t imagine being in or around today. The unacceptable became acceptable and what I once thought was unlivable became livable.

All that changed once I recovered from my disease of addiction. I still have ups and downs but they are not really high or really low. Just because I’m in recovery doesn’t mean that I don’t face life challenges as the ‘Earth people’ do. My recovered life is one of ebbs and flows. During my first year of sobriety everything was going smooth. I was indeed happy, joyous and free. It was upon entering my second year that things began to become a bit hectic. As I got back into life I began to experience every day challenges. The difference this time was I faced them head-on and didn’t try to escape through self-medicating. One of the biggest stresses I placed myself in was entering into a new relationship. I had started drinking on a regular basis at the age of 16. Although I was 35-years-old when I entered into recovery I still had the maturity level of that 16-year-old. I dealt with my relationship as a 16-year-old would. This caused me untold problems and my partner as well. She couldn’t understand the reason I acted the way I did and I couldn’t understand her reactions to me. This is confusing enough when you’re both at the same maturity level but my acting as a teenager made it even more confusing. It took a lot of arguing and banging our heads against the wall before me and my partner realized that we both had to change to make our relationship work. We will be going on 10 years in a few months.

Once in recovery I went back to school and entered into a new career path. Each job I took had challenges and rewards of its own. My career too had its ebbs and flows. My first job was within an organization I loved as it had helped me in my own recovery. However due to the financial meltdown of 2008 my contract was not renewed. I was not happy about this but taking Step Three into account (my HP’s will not mine) I kept going. I managed to get a job in which the start date coincided with my last day of work. Coincidence – I think not. My new job was a casual position but with the promise of lots of hours. However it too was affected by the economy and my hours just weren’t there. This turned out to be a good thing as my Father became very ill during this time and as a result of my not having any hours I was able to spend just about every day with him until his death. Shortly after that I received a full-time position at the place I was working casual for. I spent a great five years at this place making some good friends and enjoying my work when a new career opportunity came my way.

I began work at an upstart treatment centre where I would meet some more really great people who helped learn a lot about addictions counselling (my chosen field) but also helped me grow even more in this journey of recovery.  Surprising to me was that some of the people weren’t involved in 12 Step Recovery at all and introduced me to a whole new outlook when it came to sobriety and spirituality.  Although most of the people I worked with were great I soon found that I was working for the most unscrupulous group of people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. Despite this I trudged on and accepted my part. My part being that I had left a job I liked for this new one despite not knowing all the facts. The job gave me many rewards but alas the unscrupulousness of the aforementioned people began to weigh heavily. It peaked when a work friend ended up committing suicide and the higher ups at this place didn’t seem to care prior to his death (when he reached out for help) and after his death. I began to drive to work with a sick feeling in my stomach – which is never good. I hadn’t had that feeling in all the time I was sober. Eventually after a series of events, including the lying and betrayal of someone I trusted, I was terminated from my position. At first I was upset but am now accepting this as part of my Higher Power’s plan. I am still out of work but am confident that things are happening as they are supposed to. I am grateful for my recovery and grateful to be trudging, not gliding, the Road of Happy Destiny .

Dave the Dude