The Ebbs and Flows of Recovery

Prior to my sobering up my life was in a constant state of chaos. In fact, I would say that I was addicted to chaos. My highs were really high and my lows were really low. If I was ever in a period of calm it didn’t last very long. Once I sobered up and began to make changes within (that effected changes without) my life began to steady out. In recovery I learned that my addiction to chaos included some need to be ever excited. I went to all lengths to increase my excitement causing me to act out in outlandish ways. I once allowed my buddies to dangle me over a 24 storey balcony. I used to, purposely, set myself on fire thinking it was funny. I would find myself in places and surrounded by people that I couldn’t imagine being in or around today. The unacceptable became acceptable and what I once thought was unlivable became livable.

All that changed once I recovered from my disease of addiction. I still have ups and downs but they are not really high or really low. Just because I’m in recovery doesn’t mean that I don’t face life challenges as the ‘Earth people’ do. My recovered life is one of ebbs and flows. During my first year of sobriety everything was going smooth. I was indeed happy, joyous and free. It was upon entering my second year that things began to become a bit hectic. As I got back into life I began to experience every day challenges. The difference this time was I faced them head-on and didn’t try to escape through self-medicating. One of the biggest stresses I placed myself in was entering into a new relationship. I had started drinking on a regular basis at the age of 16. Although I was 35-years-old when I entered into recovery I still had the maturity level of that 16-year-old. I dealt with my relationship as a 16-year-old would. This caused me untold problems and my partner as well. She couldn’t understand the reason I acted the way I did and I couldn’t understand her reactions to me. This is confusing enough when you’re both at the same maturity level but my acting as a teenager made it even more confusing. It took a lot of arguing and banging our heads against the wall before me and my partner realized that we both had to change to make our relationship work. We will be going on 10 years in a few months.

Once in recovery I went back to school and entered into a new career path. Each job I took had challenges and rewards of its own. My career too had its ebbs and flows. My first job was within an organization I loved as it had helped me in my own recovery. However due to the financial meltdown of 2008 my contract was not renewed. I was not happy about this but taking Step Three into account (my HP’s will not mine) I kept going. I managed to get a job in which the start date coincided with my last day of work. Coincidence – I think not. My new job was a casual position but with the promise of lots of hours. However it too was affected by the economy and my hours just weren’t there. This turned out to be a good thing as my Father became very ill during this time and as a result of my not having any hours I was able to spend just about every day with him until his death. Shortly after that I received a full-time position at the place I was working casual for. I spent a great five years at this place making some good friends and enjoying my work when a new career opportunity came my way.

I began work at an upstart treatment centre where I would meet some more really great people who helped learn a lot about addictions counselling (my chosen field) but also helped me grow even more in this journey of recovery.  Surprising to me was that some of the people weren’t involved in 12 Step Recovery at all and introduced me to a whole new outlook when it came to sobriety and spirituality.  Although most of the people I worked with were great I soon found that I was working for the most unscrupulous group of people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. Despite this I trudged on and accepted my part. My part being that I had left a job I liked for this new one despite not knowing all the facts. The job gave me many rewards but alas the unscrupulousness of the aforementioned people began to weigh heavily. It peaked when a work friend ended up committing suicide and the higher ups at this place didn’t seem to care prior to his death (when he reached out for help) and after his death. I began to drive to work with a sick feeling in my stomach – which is never good. I hadn’t had that feeling in all the time I was sober. Eventually after a series of events, including the lying and betrayal of someone I trusted, I was terminated from my position. At first I was upset but am now accepting this as part of my Higher Power’s plan. I am still out of work but am confident that things are happening as they are supposed to. I am grateful for my recovery and grateful to be trudging, not gliding, the Road of Happy Destiny .

Dave the Dude

Undercover Rationalization

Denial is a huge part of addiction and one aspect of denial is rationalization. From my own experience I was a big time rationalizer. I came up with the usual rationalizations that all alcoholics/addicts do -  I’m lonely; I got dumped; I’m stressed; my job sucks; I don’t have a job; no one understands me – the list is limitless.

Sometimes a person’s rationalization is way over the top. I had one such rationalization for continuing using crack. I’m Jewish and from the City of Oshawa. Oshawa has an extremely small Jewish community. In the midst of my drug addiction someone(s) desecrated the Holocaust Memorial outside of the local synagogue. During my travails in the underbelly of Oshawa’s crack community I had run into some racist people – not that I cared if they were offering free drugs or even selling.  It was during this period where the consequences of my alcoholism and crack use were becoming more and more apparent. I was contemplating giving up the crack when I heard about the memorial being vandalized. That was all I needed to come up with my rationalization for continuing to use. I would have to continue smoking crack so I could infiltrate the racist crack community and bring the perpetrators to justice. So I continued on in my crack cocaine addiction. Needless to say I never found the culprits.

A regular and/or sober person can see how insane my thinking was at the time. But as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says the alcoholic cannot differentiate between the truth and the false. At the time my decision to seek out the culprits was totally sincere. I actually thought I’d be able to do it. Never mind that I never ended up asking anyone questions – but for how much is that piece. When I came up with this rationalization I thought was I thinking clearly.

Thank God for Step Two and faith that a Higher Power could restore me to sanity. I share this story with people in the hopes that if they are going through similar thinking or are guilty over a rationalization that they will understand they are not alone and sanity can be returned if you have the honesty, openness and willingness to do the work.

Dave the Dude

Practice these Principles in all our Affairs - Not Everyone Does

One of the axioms that attracted me to Alcoholics Anonymous was practicing the principles of the Steps in all aspects of one’s life and not just in the rooms of the Fellowship. At first this was hard for me but as I worked through my Steps, completed my own inventories and began to rid myself of the character defects I had, I found it to be essential to my long-term recovery.

What astounded me was to find out that not everyone did this. What astounded me even more were people with multiple years of sobriety not practicing these principles in all their affairs yet telling others they should. It’s kind of like the false-prophet who says do what I say not what I do. Tradition 11 emphasizes attraction rather than promotion. When I saw examples of people merely talking the talk but not walking the walk my attraction began to wane greatly.

I first noticed examples of this early on in my recovery. I would be having conversations at coffee shops after meetings and would hear misconstrued communication of comments I had made during a closed discussion meeting. Conversations would go like this, “…I heard you said this the other day…”. This repeating of my shares was worse than a game of broken telephone. It began to make me very careful of what I shared during these meetings. When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous I was under the impression that everyone loved everyone else and no one wished harm on another member. Sadly, I learned the hard way, that this impression was a false one. I quickly learned what it meant to share in a general way.

I didn’t let this experience bother me for too long as I knew that resentment was the number one killer of alcoholics. I looked at the people who spread this gossip about me and others as spiritually ill people who I should be praying for rather than resenting. This rule of thumb has worked well for me during my years as a person in long-term recovery.

However, this ugliness started to sprout again in the last couple of years. I have had the good fortune to work in an area where many people in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous also work. This usually brings great joy and pleasure. Unfortunately I’ve had the displeasure into running into people who say they are recovered but do not act like they do. First it was just petty things such as spreading untruths and gossip. Or a guy, with over 20 years, swearing at the front of the rooms and telling newcomers that it was okay and not unspiritual all. Eventually it turned into outright malevolence.  I even ran into a person who threw out his principals betraying myself (leading up to a dismissal from a job) to the rest of his co-workers when he promised one thing but acted totally different.

As I’ve learned in Alcoholics Anonymous some people are sicker than others and I cannot be one to judge.

Dave the Dude

Anonymity not Secrecy

I got some flack the other night following a 12 Step meeting where I had announced that September is Recovery Month and that it was being celebrated in Toronto, Canada on September 20. The reason the person was upset as the celebration is not being sponsored by Alcoholics Anonymous and some would consider it an outside issue.  I was also told it was breaking the tradition of anonymity. I happen to disagree.

The tradition of anonymity was not meant for us to keep the miracle of our recovery a secret. I’m allowed to tell whoever I want that I am a person in long-term recovery and am not breaking any type of tradition if I don’t mention which Fellowship I sobered up in.

The primary purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous is to help the still suffering alcoholic. I firmly believe that celebrating recovery removes the stigma surrounding addiction and in so doing makes it easier for the still suffering addict to seek help quicker. Is this not fulfilling the primary purpose? I would say yes and I think AA co-founder Bill Wilson would wholeheartedly agree.

Bill Wilson was a firm believer in reaching out to public officials to educate them on the disease of alcoholism in hopes that such knowledge would shape public policy. Bill and Dr. Bob Smith (AA’s other co-founder) assigned the task of educating the public and government policy makers to the First Lady of Alcoholics Anonymous Marty Mann. Bill Wilson (along with Mann) also spoke in front of a Congressional Committee in 1969 in order to help spread the message of recovery and hope.

Wilson was not using the tradition of anonymity to keep silent or to keep his recovery a secret. When someone gets upset with me for telling non-12 Step members I am a person of long-term recovery I have to ask the question, is it me you’re angry at or are you upset because part of you is still ashamed of your disease? When I first walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I was mired in guilt and shame for the actions I did while active in my addictions. Fortunately, due to the 12 Steps, I was able to get rid of this guilt and shame and, most importantly, accept that I have a disease not a moral failing. Do cancer patients feel shame because of their disease? Do people who suffer from MS or diabetes feel shame because of their disease? I’m pretty sure the overwhelming majority of those who suffer from those diseases would say no. So why should I feel shame for my disease? The answer is – I shouldn’t and nor should anyone else who suffers from this hopeless condition of mind and body.

People celebrate all sorts of things and the celebration of putting the disease of addiction into remission should be rejoiced. When addicts, alcoholics, family members of alcoholics/addicts come together in celebration it should be applauded not criticised.

I would hope that you would find the date in your area for the celebration of Recovery Month and feel proud to join in the festivities. If not for yourself then to show the still suffering alcoholic/addict that there is hope out there and the disease is nothing to be ashamed of. If I don’t tell anyone I’m in recovery then how will a newcomer find help?

Dave the Dude