My DUI

It was approximately four to five years before I became sober that I was in Richmond Hill at a girl's house I had been dating and we were watching  a movie. As any good alcoholic knows you can't just watch a movie without something to drink so I had my usual magnum of wine. After the movie I headed home to Oshawa.

Even though I had to drive with one eye closed, so I'd stop seeing double, I manged to talk on my cell phone. I finally made it home to the Shwa. Being the keen addict I figured I wasn't driving up to my usual par of excellence so I thought I better stop at the local strip club to see if I could get some cocaine. In my head cocaine always straightened me out when I had drank too much. In the words of comedian and late night show host Craig Ferguson, "cocaine is a vitamin that helps me drink more".

I had just stepped out of the car and was shutting the door when someone jumped on my back and started beating the crap of me. Not knowing what the hell was happening I fought back. The person, it turned out it was a she, jumped off my back and told me I was under arrest and that she was a cop. I asked to see her badge and she said no.

When no badge was produced I  laughed and began to head to the bar when she jumped on me again. Once more she attacked me and I fought back. At this time two customers stumbled out of the strip club and the alleged cop called out for help. These guys grabbed me and slammed my head into the brick wall. It was then that she showed me her badge.

It turns out that the lady was a recent graduate of the academy and had been heading home, with a friend, from some Christmas party when she observed me driving erratically and decided to follow me all the way from Toronto to the Shwa.

The Durham cops finally showed up and took me into custody where I was charged with DUI. The case dragged on for a couple of years because the female cop who had followed me home was the star witness and she kept not showing up for court. Finally after several no shows by the star witness the judge threw the case out of court because it was taking too long.

Dave the Dude