Death and No Cable

Last week my Aunt passed away. She was my Dad's sister. My Dad passed away about one-and-a-half years ago. Every time someone passes away I get thinking about death.

I've always thought that the way I would die was by spontaneous human combustion. But lately I felt that I might go by way of a heart attack. Then I started thinking maye the spontaneous combustion will trigger a heart attack and it will be up to the coroner to figure out which event actually killed me.

I remember when my Mother passed away. I was drinking a lot during that time and doing a lot of drugs. I started having panic attacks all the time. Years earlier I had suffered from anxiety and had learned how to control it. After my Mom died none of those things seemed to work, the anxiety just got worse and worse. I even went to a therapist to help me with it. It finally died off (no pun intended). One thing I remember going through after my Mom passed away was not wanting to get close to anyone or anything because I had a "why bother they'll just die" feeling. It took a long time to get rid of that.  A couple years later I sobered up but I still have to deal with anxiety on a daily basis.

Following the death of my Father I went through a similar thing but because I was sober didn't realize it was happening. I had never suffered through depression, or that feeling I alluded to earlier in this blog, sober. It took almost a year to figure out what was happening to me. Luckily after realizing it I was able to get out of that rut.

Yeah - death sure is a weird thing. When I was in my teens and 20s, hell even 30s, I didn't think of death that often. But once you hit the big 40 and people around you start passing on it takes up a lot of head space. I remember when I wasn't working much I would sit at my fiance's place watching day time television. I would watch old shows that I grew up with and all that I could think of was whether this actor or that actor was still alive.

Lucky for me I don't have cable.
Dave the Dude