Making Amends

Many people in recovery like to say that the 12 Steps is a simple program for complicated people. I disagree with that. I feel the 12 Steps are a simple program for people who like to complicate things. Our ego likes to make us feel we're different than others and so people think they are complicated. However, I believe, that it is the ego that causes many to take simple things and turn them into a complicated mess.

This exact thing often occurs with Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people [we had made a list in Step Eight) wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Here are simple tips to help one with Step Nine:

First of all it's number nine for a reason. Many people (I was guilty of this myself) are fresh in recovery and are feeling so good that they want to jump from Step One all the way to Step Nine. This can be very dangerous. When we are in Step One we are still sick, still in the disease, and have not yet begun to work on the solution. As a result we are still vulnerable to the unmanageability of our feelings thus in danger of relapse. Being so vulnerable we are not ready to have an amends be rejected. We have not yet learned, through Steps Four and Five, that our resentments are based in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of being alone, etc. We have not yet learned, that as a result of these fears, we suffer various character defects and we have not yet begun to rid or reduce these character defects within ourselves. It is this fact that makes it fool-hearty to jump from Step One to Nine.

When approaching Step Nine one must also remember that it is a Step of selflessness. We do not approach this Step looking for anything in return. That is, we do not expect to be forgiven nor do we expect someone to apologize to us. If we are not ready to accept this then we have not fully completed Step Eight.  We must remember that the reason we are making amends is to clear our conscience of any wrong doings. We are cleaning our side of the street without worry of anyone else's side of the street.

Part of Step Nine is making amends except when to do so would injure them or others. This means we do not cause damage to other people just to ease our own pain. E.G. - if one had an affair with a married person you would not apologize to that person's spouse thus getting that person in trouble. This would be considered selfish on our part - the exact opposite of what we are trying to do. We must also remember that the, injuring others, aspect also applies to ourselves. We do not make amends if it will threaten our own sobriety or our ability to provide for our family. This aspect of Step Nine can be tough to navigate and makes it especially important to review your amends with your sponsor prior to making them.

In Step Eight you are making your list of people (or institutions) and becoming willing to make amends to them all. Some people have certain names on that list they feel they will never be able to make amends to. My suggestion is to make three columns. Under the first column place the names of everyone you have no doubts about making amends to. Under the second column place the names of people you are wary about and under the third column place the names of you feel you will never be able to make amends to. Start with the first column. By the time you are done with that you will probably be ready for the second column and by the time you have completed that the third column will not be to difficult.

By keeping things simple this Step should not be too daunting a task. Hoping this will help you further your journey as you, "trudge the road of Happy Destiny". May I meet you along the route.
Dave the Dude