DO NO HARM - Not the case here.

 

I can’t speak for other jurisdictions in Canada or other countries but in Ontario an upsetting trend has been going on with doctors and their patients for over a decade. I’ve been working in various treatment centres for over 16 years and started noticing this occurrence with some of my clients as well as with fellow members of my 12 Step Fellowship several years ago.

 What I’m talking about is people going to their doctors to seek help with their drinking/drugging and the doctor reporting the person to the Ministry of Transportation who subsequently takes away that person’s driver’s license. Not only is this punishing someone for a crime they haven’t committed (i.e. – driving under the influence) it is telling them they shouldn’t reach out for help because there will be negative consequences right away. I first reached out to my physician for help around 1998. I had not yet started to drink and drive (that would come later along with an arrest). He treated me like someone with a disease and not a criminal. As a result, I didn’t think twice about being honest with him until the day he moved away. He helped me begin my journey into sobriety as well as treating some severe mental health issues I was going through. When I did get sober, I tracked him down to make amends for showing up to his office drunk one day. If he had reported me and my license was revoked, I would have had much more stress in my life which would have caused a great deal of anxiety and depression. How did I deal with such things back then? By drinking/drugging.

 Speaking of mental health – there was a recent article in the Toronto Star about how doctors are now reporting patients to the Ministry of Transportation who come to them with signs of depression. These people subsequently lose their license as the MTO feels they may become dangerous drivers. What happens when these people lose their license? They become even more isolated thus leading to greater depression. This chaos has got to stop. I also heard on the radio (I really hope it isn’t true) that doctors, in Ontario, get $35 for every person they report to the MTO who lose their license. If this is, in fact true, I am a truly disgusted.

Dave the Dude

BFTGOG and Remember When

 

The last five years I was an active alcoholic/addict the functioning part of my alcoholism became very dysfunctional. At one point I was sleeping on a friend’s couch. If you had told me then that I was homeless I would have said you were wrong. Many years later, when I entered the field of social services, I would learn that “couch surfing” is considered homeless. I was shocked. As my disease of addiction grew bigger my apartments grew smaller. A couple of years following the couch surfing I found myself in a bed bug infested, bachelor apartment, by Sherbourne and Dundas in Toronto. It was here that my addiction grew even bigger. The funds for my rent went to drugs and alcohol and I was on verge of homelessness once again. I was only in that apartment for four months when I was whisked away, in the dead of night, by my sister to my parents’ place in Oshawa. It would be another few years before I surrendered, on January 7, 2005, and began a program that would relieve me of my obsession for alcohol. My journey of “trudging (sic) the road of Happy Destiny” (AA Big Book, 1939) began. The first month of sobriety I was walking on eggshells with my family. I knew if I slipped up I would be heading to a homeless shelter. Today I know that would have been the right choice for my family but back then I was in denial over the emotional consequences my behaviour had caused – especially to my father (my mom had passed a few years prior to this).

 

Near the end of my first year of sobriety I went back to school for a Post-grad Addictions/Mental Health Diploma as I wanted to help people who found themselves facing the same disease as me. Fast forward almost 16 years later and I began a new job as an Outreach Worker for the Mobile Jewish Response to Homelessness with a great organization called Ve’ahavta. There’s a slogan in 12 Step Programs called “But for the Grace of God go I”. Grace being an “unmerited gift”. My first week on the job this slogan went through my head over and over. I became especially choked up when we helped people at Sherbourne and Dundas. I had come full circle in life.

 

It’s a privilege to be able to help people who are in a similar situation as I once was. As an Outreach Worker, for Ve'ahavta, I hand out food, clothes, hygiene and harm reduction. When people ask me if I’m not just enabling people to use drugs by handing out harm reduction? I tell them that I’m helping them stay safe and alive because one day they may want to make the choice I did to get sober. I’m making sure the road is clear of some obstacles for that time.

 

At every job people tend to get caught up in the everyday minutia of things and slide into a routine. Whenever I feel myself doing this, I try to bring to mind the 12 Step saying “Remember When”. I always want to remember what I was like prior to getting better so I don’t lose the empathy that those I meet, as an outreach worker, need. 

 

https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/FundraisingPage.aspx?registrationID=5044263&langPref=en-CA

 

 

 

Let's Get Back to the Basics in this Pandemic

 

When the pandemic first hit the world and lockdowns came into effect, I said it was a bad idea. I said it to colleagues, to friends, family and on social media. I was constantly mocked and people, full of fear, said lockdowns were the only way. I stated that we had to balance things out as the toll on mental health, addictions, etc. would be vast. A recent report by the Canadian Medical Association finally proves me right.

The rise in substance abuse is also troubling. The number of opioid-related deaths across Canada went from roughly 10 per day in 2019 to 17 per day in 2020. In the first three months of 2021, that figure rose to 20 per day. Hospitalizations for opioid, alcohol and stimulant abuse all rose as well. (Brian Lilley, Toronto Sun, Nov. 30/21)

When the first lockdown hit everything shut down including 12 Step meetings. Fortunately, there was Zoom and people were able to meet on that. However, for those who did not have proper Wi-Fi, were technologically unsavvy, etc. it was not helpful. I remember being booted out of meetings due to Wi-Fi issues myself. It was very frustrating. The Province of Ontario, Canada finally declared 12 Step meetings essential, and people could meet in person. Unfortunately, fear had already set in, and the majority of meetings did not reopen for a very long time. Luckily, my home group did not let fear get in the way of fulfilling the 12^th Step and we opened our doors. For a long time, we were the only group in my area that had face-to-face meetings. I remember the first meeting we had after the original lockdown – it was a spiritual experience. I realized the importance of seeing and talking to people in person rather than via a camera. Many AA members were so grateful they joined the group.

With the introduction of vaccines, etc. the world started to reopen and so did many 12 Step groups. However, now they have started asking people to write their name and phone number down before entering. I have over 16 years sobriety and wasn’t bothered by this at all. However, for a newcomer who is wary of coming to a meeting, and is dependent on anonymity to get them through the doors, this move may have turned them away. As anyone in recovery knows the window for change is very small and once an obstacle comes in your way one will return to their comfort zone – active addiction. This can be deadly and for many during the pandemic it was. Canada had it’s most overdoses ever. A sad state of affairs indeed.

Now I see AA members demanding that we ask for a vaccine passport. To me this breaks Tradition 10, “Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy. I understand this demand is based on fear. Fear guided me through my active years in addiction. When I got sober, completed the Steps and “recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (Big Book, 1939) I let go of fear and continue to try my best not to let it control my life today. It’s time to for us to stick to the basics and to follow through with Step 12, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the results of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs”.

Dave the Dude

Recovery versus the Pandemic: Oh the challenges

 

It’s been over a year of this pandemic and it has been challenging for everyone. One thing I have learned in sobriety is that one must accept life on life terms and this pandemic is no exception. I’ve had many challenges in my recovery from the death of my beloved Father to colon cancer which resulted in an extremely painful recovery that almost led to a nervous breakdown. The pain was so great that I decided to take Percocet as prescribed by my doctor. I informed my sponsor of this decision and took the pills as directed. I stopped taking them once the pain became tolerable. That painful experience provided me with a whole new respect of people who deal with chronic pain. But I digress – I was talking about the challenges of this pandemic One word - Zoom. At the beginning of the pandemic, when all the meetings shuttered (at least in my area), it was the saving grace. People were able to attend meetings across the world. Which is pretty damn cool!! I stuck to my area and primarily to my home group. Unfortunately my Wi-Fi connection wasn’t the best and there was many the time where I lost the connection and was only able to attend part of the meeting. Usually meetings leave me feeling serene but when I have technical problems my serenity is quickly lost. But I managed. I was able to fix my Wi-Fi issues and the meetings went on. Several months in my home group was finally able to meet in person. Oh the gratitude!! One never really appreciates something until it’s taken away from them. When my home group got back together, following our first lockdown, it was like coming home after a long voyage. I realized the importance of in-person meetings. Even if you can’t hug one another (my home group is very close) it makes all the difference. My area has been back in a lockdown situation twice since then but my group continues to meet in-person. As far as I know we are the only group doing this in my area. There’s a 10 person limit and COVID19 safety protocols are followed. The most people we’ve had so far have been nine. I’m hoping once the weather warms up, and we can hold meetings outside, those numbers will increase

One of the things I have to look out for in sobriety is when I start to isolate. It’s a sure warning sign that I have to make some changes. But when one is forced to isolate, as a result of public safety protocol, then it makes things tough. One thing that alcoholic/addicts are good at is facing adversity and I had to make allowances. From social media recovery groups, to texting and calling close friends in recovery (including my sponsor) I was able to keep in touch with healthy people in recovery. I’ll still be glad when I’m able to do this in person. But as previously said - life on life terms and this is the current reality.

A big challenge I have faced during this pandemic was career wise. I had been working for the same place for over four years – a non-profit organization which helps people with mental health issues. When the pandemic hit there were a lot of changes and many of the organization’s programs were shut down. Staff were crammed together, vacations declined and punitive and illogical safety procedures were put in place. Management used this to their advantage and were able to turn certain staff into spies (AKA: snitches) who reported anything they deemed unsafe from someone who forgot to put a mask on within 30 seconds of leaving a non-mask area to someone eating at their desk (because for some illogical reason health authorities deemed eating a cookie at desk as a sure way to pass COVID on). Staff began to distrust each other and morale plummeted. Then redeployment a moment’s notice began. For some reason this redeployment was forced, primarily, on myself and one other colleague. One day I was asked to redeploy and lost my temper. I raised my voice and swore to aloud. Unfortunately one of the snitches was around and decided that me getting upset made the workplace unsafe for her. The snitch called the evil manager (who the week before had yelled at client causing the client to feel unsafe resulting in the client leaving the facility) and that manager began an investigation. The investigation involved interviewing everyone but me. As a result I was fired. The union is currently grieving this. Two hours after getting fired I had a new job. I look back at this situation and, as AA has taught me, look at my part in it. My part is losing my temper and not having my acceptance higher than my expectations. My expectations were that management would treat all employees equal. Alas this rarely happens in the world.

As my area returns to another 28 day lockdown all I can do is accept this and live life on life’s terms. My home group continues to meet face-to-face and I thank my higher power for that! I have a roof over my head and a job. I’m sober, above the grass and not in jail. Alas, for many this is not the case and the pandemic has made it hard for newcomers. Higher power willing this pandemic will soon be over and AA can return to as it once was.

Dave the Dude. 

No Trigger for Me

 

I was listening to talk radio today and they were discussing a call from local liquor makers to have booze sold in grocery stores. Right now only beer and wine are sold there and even that is relatively new. I live in Ontario, Canada which has had a Victorian Era outlook on booze. People were calling into the radio station to give their two cents as to why they either agreed or disagreed with the idea. One caller adamantly opposed the idea. His reasoning was that it would trigger and cause alcoholics to drink. I cringed upon hearing him.

I attended my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on January 7, 2005 and have been sober since. As a result of working and living the 12 Steps of AA I have become a recovered alcoholic.

As a recovered alcoholic I am not triggered by seeing a bottle of booze. I am not triggered by seeing a beer commercial. I can go into a bar and watch a band while people drink around me without being fearful that I will run up to the bar and begin to drink. As a recovered alcoholic that is the freedom I was promised and the freedom I enjoy today. Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, did not want people to hide and cower from booze. The program he and the first 100 members of AA developed allows one to lose the obsession over alcohol and thus not have to worry about being triggered.

One can easily fall back into danger if he/she does not continue to work and live the 12 Steps but if one has a good sponsor and self-awareness he/she can stop this backslide and return to a healthy, spiritual, physical and emotional, recovery.

Dave the Dude.

People, Places and Things

I recently wrote about how dangerous it is to tell people that “meeting makers make it”. However, Alcoholics Anonymous is filled with various clichés that do ring true for me. Some of my favourites are:

SLIP: Sobriety Loses It’s Priority

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

It works if you work it and you’re worth it so work it.

If you hang around a barbershop long enough you’re going to get a haircut

The barbershop cliché is a great segue into the one I wanted to address. People, places and things. During a meeting the other day someone said they couldn’t control people, places and things. I totally disagree with that statement. I have control over the people I hang out with, the places I hang out at and the things I surround myself with.

When I got into recovery I had to make some big changes (see cliché above). I changed the people I hung around. I wasn’t judging them or casting aspersions on them but they were detrimental to my recovery. A week out of my last treatment centre, a little over two months into recovery, I was driving home from a meeting and a car beside me started honking, the driver motioning for me to pull over. I figured it was someone from AA so I pulled over. It turned out it was a former crack dealer asking me if I wanted something. I said no thanks and that was it. I told that story to someone and they asked me if I told him off. I responded by saying no, up to a little while ago I’d been avidly seeking him out. He didn’t know I wasn’t interested in anymore and there was no need to get nasty. I started surrounding myself with AA people. I had a few close friends that I talked to daily. My first year I went to this coffee shop every night. There was a group of AAers who went there after meetings. We talked about recovery but also just chatted about every day stuff. I began to feel good in my new social setting realizing that I didn’t have to drink to fit in.

Lastly, I chose what types of things I have in my life. I don’t have bongs on my mantle. I don’t have fluorescent beer sign on my wall. Etc. Etc.

Through the 12 Steps I gained freedom. While active in my alcoholism and addiction I had no freedom. I was controlled by my higher power – alcohol/drugs – and did everything for it. Having lost the obsession over alcohol and mind altering substances I now have the freedom to make my own choices. I also have to face the consequences if those choices are wrong.

Dave the Dude

Meeting Makers Don't Make It!

If it’s one thing that these trying times are proving to people in recovery is that Meeting Makers Don’t Make It. Don’t get me wrong I truly believe that meetings are very important. Alcoholics Anonymous is built on three pillars – Unity, Service and Recovery. Unity is going to meetings, talking to people and getting that face-to-face support. Service is helping your group, your area, etc. Recovery is completing those steps. 


At the end of my very first AA meeting I was surrounded by members, given phone numbers, encouragement and provided with hope. The people there could tell, before I even shared, that I was a newcomer. The shaking from withdrawal and the shaggy beard were a dead giveaway. I feel bad for newcomers in these times as the same type of reception I received is impossible from a Zoom meeting. But saying that “meeting makers make it” is both dangerous and wrong. If I had just gone to meetings and not completed the steps I’d either be a dry drunk, plain old drunk or dead. 


I see posts daily on social media about people relapsing because they can’t get to meetings. Either these people are newcomers or people who have been relying solely on meetings to keep them sober. As it says in the Big Book, “frothy, emotional appeal seldom suffices.” Just going to meetings is that frothy emotion that Dr. Silkworth was talking about. 


I am a recovered alcoholic/addict. I am recovered because I completed the 12 Steps of recovery and work them daily into my life. The Steps have given me freedom to go anywhere and experience anything without drinking. These trying times are causing anxiety, depression, anger, etc. but I have the coping skills to deal with these emotions without taking a drink or drug. 


I miss face-to-face meetings but I’m not losing my sobriety over it. The Steps have shown me that I have to take responsibility for my actions and that using a lack of face-to-face interactions as an excuse to drink is not taking responsibility. That’s my old way of thinking. Nothing changes if nothing changes and the Steps bring about a positive change. God bless.

Dave the Dude.