Reunion, remember when and informing people

I just had a reunion with two guys I roomed with for a year in 1992 when I attended university. It was a great reunion with lots of stories and Remember Whens. It was at university where I laid the foundation for my drinking/using career. Some of the stories we were telling I didn’t even remember doing. Like mouthing off to a skinhead in a pub and getting decked by him. I do remember we used to do some crazy stuff. Part of my addiction was that I always thought I had to do crazier and crazier things. At university my roomies hung me off a 40 story balcony and swung me around. There was the time where I purposely set my hand on fire, thinking it would go out quickly which it did not.

My friends know about my entry into recovery and involvement in the 12 Steps. They had some interesting questions which reminds of me of how little those not in recovery know about the disease of addiction. My one friend asked me if I could ever see myself having one beer and when I replied no asked me why. I explained that I couldn’t predict what would happen if I had that one beer. I said it would probably lead to me having another and another and another and eventually I’d be worse off than I was when I entered recovery in 2005.

As the Big Books states alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. Part of that is the fact that while I’ve been sober for over 12 years if I were to take a drink it would be like I had been drinking for those 12 years. My disease would be that far advanced. Science is unable to explain this phenomenon. As Father Martin said, “only God knows why and he ain’t telling us”. I think that’s why many in the scientific community, some addictions counsellors and therapists as well, have such disdain for the 12 Step philosophy. You can’t quantify the effect of a spiritual awakening. All I know is that it worked for me.

Dave the Dude

Acceptance will come with education

Deaths due to opiate overdoses are on the rise in the GTA. As a result the race is on to find a solution. Unfortunately with addiction there is no easy solution. Toronto is building three safe injection sites to try to cut down on overdose deaths. Like most harm reduction interventions many people are criticizing this move saying that it’s enabling addicts and/or helping organized crime.

When I first entered into recovery, from my addictions, I was dead set against any type of harm reduction. I held firm with the belief that it was enabling the addict. From personal experience harm reduction didn’t work for me. Over a decade later after my experience working with addicts my mind has opened to some harm reduction. I’m still of the mind that methadone is terrible but am open to safe needle exchanges and injection sites. Harm reduction works in two ways. It cuts down on the harm the addict faces but it also cuts down on the harm the public faces. With safe needle exchange and injection sites less needles will be discarded along the sidewalks, playgrounds and beaches of our communities.

A lot of the public back lash against safe injection sites comes from a lack of education. I think Toronto would be wise to launch a public information campaign of what these safe sites look like. Even after working in the field for over 10 years I had no idea what one of these sites looked like until a colleague explained it to me. In my mind I had this image of a blocked off area with addicts wandering around stoned throwing needles on the ground. For those fans of New Jack City I imagined it much like the public housing crack areas featured in that movie. My colleague explained to me that it’s very sterile and much like a medical office. I think if the public were able to see this they might warm up to the idea of safe injection sites. Inform the public how there are counsellors and nurses on site to talk to addicts about addiction and promote recovery.

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. This is what the majority of nations, Canada included, have been doing for decades. We need new, best practices, approach. Safe injection sites are part of this new way to tackle addiction. We must look at it as public health matter not a criminal one. If we really wanted to make changes we would follow in the footsteps of Portugal which has decriminalized all drugs and cut its number of addicts in half as well as lowering the crime rate.

Dave the Dude

My Crazy

One of the reasons I started drinking, which later led to a ton of other types of self-medication, was to lower my anxiety. I’ve always had anxiety issues, even before I knew what anxiety was. One of the things that used to cause me great anxiety was whenever I heard people walking on the floor above me I would get fearful that the floor would collapse and crush me. When I was around 16 I noticed that if I had a few beers this fear would go away. Thus alcohol (AKA: self-medication) became the solution to lowering my anxiety. As years went by my anxiety over certain things would only increase. Here are a few examples of what I like to term “my crazy” (yes, I know that’s not politically correct but I’m talking about myself).

I had to stop chewing gum in my early 20s. For some reason I got it into my head that the repetitive chewing would set something off in my brain that would make it so that I couldn’t stop chewing ever. This would cause my anxiety levels to hit the roof.

When mowing my lawn I would go as quick as possible around large trees as I would begin to fear that a limb would fall off the tree, hit me and either crush or maim me. Hey, it actually happens several times a year. I would also go into a panic if a plane flew over me while I was outside because I thought that it might accidentally drop the blue stuff in the plane’s toilet – which would, of course, fall down and crush me.

When I got into my mid-20s I started having huge panic attacks whenever I sat in the barber chair and he began to cut my hair. I’m still not sure what caused this but I would sit there and tense every muscle in my body until the haircut was done. Who knows what was going through the barber’s head during this time. Flickering fluorescent lights could also cause an attack to come on. One time I was in a store waiting in line for the cash. The flickering light triggered an attack , I dropped the stuff I wanted to purchase and fled the store.

When I was around 25 I was walking home from my favourite hometown pub. I had been a regular there since I was of legal drinking age. There was a shortcut through the woods, across a wooden bridge, that I would always take. As I was crossing the bridge these two guys emerged from the woods and the bigger of the two ran up to me. I asked him how it was going and he rose up his arm saying, “this is how it’s going”, and punched me in the head. I fell down and he proceeded to lay the boots to me. I possummed up until he was done. Afterwards I was in a daze and ended up running in the wrong direction (opposite to where I lived). Following that shit-kicking my anxiety rose extremely high.

I continued to deal with my anxiety, from all the things I have mentioned, by drinking and using other substances. Day by day the anxiety worsened until I was in constant state of panic and my hands would continuously shake. I eventually went to doctor who put me on an antidepressant which I’m still on.

The medication helped but I would still have panic attacks on a regular basis. The daily drinking and constant stimulant use didn’t help matters. I would eventually sober up, and even quit smoking, which greatly lessoned the amount of anxiety in my life. One of the biggest encounters that helped me deal with my anxiety was a conversation I had with a doctor. The company I worked for was offering to pay for smoking cessation products but I had to get approved by the doctor. We started talking about my anxiety and he asked me how I dealt with it. I explained that when I started having a panic attack I would say to myself, over and over, that the anxiety was I feeling was based on irrational fears and nothing was going to happen. The doctor told me that was the worst thing I could do. What I was inadvertently doing was focusing more and more on my irrational fears causing the anxiety to become worse. What I should be doing, he explained, was taking my mind off the thought causing the panic and proceed to doing deep breathing exercises. This helped immensely. Since then I’ve picked up other tips to help me through these trying periods. I learned to pay attention to my body and what it felt like leading up to a panic attack. I can now detect when the beginnings of anxiety occur and start to get rid of it before it turns into a full-blown panic attack. My life has improved greatly by this growth. I still have my challenges. Recently I was involved in a bad car crash where I was rear-ended by a vehicle as I was at a complete stop. I saw the car coming at me seconds before impact. This has caused some new challenges in my battle with anxiety as I commute to work every day. If I didn’t have to look in my rearview mirror it wouldn’t be so bad but that’s not going to happen.

As a result of my experience with anxiety, depression and addiction I have the unique opportunity to help others in similar positions. For that I am grateful.

Dave the Dude 

Happiness doesn't sell

I watch a lot of TV and films and there seem to be a lot more that have at least one character who is battling an addiction and/or in recovery. I often find myself cringing at the depiction of 12 Step meetings in the entertainment I watch.

Most recently I’ve been watching a TV show, from a few years ago, called The Killing. One of the main characters is in recovery and attends 12 Step meetings. When the show has a scene in a meeting it depicts everyone there as being miserable. The show Flaked is similar too. It has many of the people at the meeting looking sick, sad and sorry and when someone is sharing it’s always a recounting of the misery they caused and how sorry they are. Don’t get me wrong we have to make accept and make amends for our past but there’s so much more to recovery than that.

What attracted me at the very first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I attended was that the majority of people of at that meeting were laughing, smiling and sharing positive things as we went around the table. If everyone there had been miserable I’m pretty sure I would not have stuck around. The members at that meeting, and the thousands of meetings I’ve attended since, had something that I wanted – happiness, joyfulness and freedom. That’s what actually happens at 12 Step meetings.

Sure when a newcomer arrives they are in a sick, sad and sorry state – just as I was. That’s how we know that person is new and once we become aware of this that person becomes the most important person in that room. When I left my first meeting all the people who shared surrounded me in the parking lot, welcomed me and told me about other meetings to attend. One of the traditions of 12 Steps is attraction rather than promotion. We don’t go out and proselytize but rather act as examples of what the 12 Step program can do so that when someone is ready to give up the high cost of low living they know where to go.

In past blogs I’ve stated how much I like the television show Mom. It’s about a group of women in Alcoholics Anonymous. I’ve been criticized by people in the program who point out the show is not a good depiction of the program. I beg to differ. Even though they are not openly talking about the Steps they are, at least, depicting the people in the program as changing in a positive way. The meetings don’t portray a group of miserable people but, rather, happy people dealing with life on life’s terms. It doesn’t shy away from characters having bad moments but neither does it have those bad moments the main theme of the show. It even showed the life and death danger of addiction when one storyline had a character die of an overdose.

I’d rather see a watered down version with people being happy in their recovery than one with all members being miserable. Maybe someone struggling will see a show depicting alcoholics/addicts struggling, but happy, in their recovery and that person will decide to come to a meeting. As I’ve heard over and over – it doesn’t matter how you came to the program it just matters what you do once you arrive. But alas, I guess happiness isn’t good entertainment.

Dave the Dude

If BIll W. did it then so can you!!

Every so often I return to a subject that I am passionate about – educating the public on the disease of addiction to get rid of the stigma its sufferers face. Recently in a recovery Facebook group I read a lot of negativity aimed towards people who do testimonials for treatment centres that helped them in their recovery. There was lots of ignorance surrounding the topic. This ignorance stems from a total misunderstanding of 12 Step fellowships’ tradition of anonymity.

Many people seem to think if you do a testimonial for a treatment centre then you are breaking your anonymity. We are allowed to tell people we are in recovery. Nowhere in the 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous (or other Fellowships) does it say you are not allowed to tell people you are in recovery. The tradition states you are to remain anonymous on the level of press, radio, film and Internet regarding your membership in a specific fellowship. I can go online right now (as I often do) and tell whomever I want that I have, “recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 1939) without breaking any tradition of anonymity. Anonymity does not mean secrecy. If we keep the fact that there is a solution to addiction secret then those in need of help will remain ill.

Alcoholics Anonymous co-founder Bill Wilson went public on July 24, 1969 about his recovery when he testified in front of a Congressional subcommittee  on the impact of alcoholism. This testimony occurred 19 years after AA adopted the 12 Traditions. Bill began his testimony by saying:

Mr. Chairman, Senators, we of AA, it is already apparent; we are going to have reason for great gratitude on account of your invitation to put in an appearance here. For me this is an extremely moving and significant occasion. It may well mark the advent of the new era in this old business of alcoholism.

I think that the activities of this committee and what they may lead to may be a turning point historically. This is splashdown day for Apollo 1. The impossible is happening. Like my dear friend Marty [Marty Mann], who has just spoken to you, I share with her the opinion that in this field of alcoholism we are now seeing the beginning of the achievement of the impossible.

Because of my appearance here as an AA member, I have to limit myself pretty much to statements about AA. But you must remember that as time passes in these hearings a great many AA's will be testifying as citizens, and they will be far more free to express opinions on the general field and their activities in it than I am.

So I take it that my mission here today will be to acquaint you with the resources that AA may reveal for treatment, for education and so on.

Bill makes mention of Marty Mann (the first woman of AA and outreach person) as well as other AA’s who spoke in the public arena. Bill, et al knew that the tradition of anonymity is one of spirituality and not meant to stop the message of hope from being spread. If the 12 Step Movement’s co-founder did not have an aversion to talking about his own recovery then I don’t see how anyone else can find fault when others do it as well.

Some 12 Steppers also seem to hold a real antipathy towards treatment centres. I can’t count the times I’ve heard someone share in a meeting something negative regarding going to treatment. This negativity is often spread by those who have no experience going to treatment thus they are offering their opinion - going against our policy of experience, strength and hope. I’m not saying all treatment centres are good (see previous blogs) but one can’t lump them all together. I went to three centres and the final one helped solidify my 12 Step foundation. It helped me a great deal and I am proud to say I went there. As I’ve heard, and said many times, it doesn’t matter how you get to the 12 Step rooms but, rather, that you are here now.

When someone recovers from cancer they are not ashamed and are encouraged to share their message of hope. Yet many 12 Steppers shame those in recovery who try to spread their message of hope. Rather than shame these people should be applauded. Every year there are Recovery Day celebrations in Canada and the United States. While many of these celebrations in the U.S. are attended by thousands the one held in Canada’s largest city, Toronto, is barely attended at all. In fact, from what I saw in the summer of 2016 there were less than a couple hundred (if that) there. I know that this lack of attendance is garnered by the misunderstanding 12 Steppers have in the Greater Toronto Area of anonymity. Alcoholics Anonymous won’t even put a booth up at Toronto’s Recovery Day to hand out information. I wonder what Bill Wilson would think of that?  With such low numbers turning out to celebrate recovery is it little wonder the government spends very little money on addiction programs such as residential treatment centres? If the people who should care don’t then why should others care? If large numbers did turn up, advocating for those who suffer from addiction, the government would take notice. The reason: they want your vote.

Dave the Dude

It's the Little Things

I’m an avid talk radio listener and this past week one of the show hosts was opining over the growing trend of people always being late. As a recovered alcoholic/addict I feel it is part of my recovery to always (barring something beyond my control) be on time. When I tell someone I’m going to meet them at a certain time that is a commitment I have made. To be late is breaking that commitment. I broke enough commitments when I was active in my addiction and I have no desire to return to that way of life.

Many will read this and say it’s no big deal – that it’s just a little thing and will not affect one’s recovery either way. I beg to differ. I firmly believe that there is no little things when it comes to the 12 Steps’ design for living. I must practice the 12 Step principles in all my affairs. This includes being on time.

It also includes making my bed in the morning. Some would ask “why make your bed if you’re going to mess it up again at night? No one is going to see it”. I make my bed because I respect myself and I deserve to retire at night in a neatly made bed. For me, and I only speak for myself, it feels better going to sleep in a made up bed than a messy one. I also try to keep myself neat in appearance. Not that I don’t lounge around in track pants on my days off work, but when I’m out and about I wear clean regular pants and shirts. Now, I’m not walking around in a suit and tie all day. I wear T-shirts and jeans for the most part but they’re not the clothes I slept in. I suit up and show up as the old timers taught me.

I do my best not to swear up a storm. When I was active in my addiction I swore a lot. As a person in recovery I’m trying to lead a different type of life and therefore speak in a civil manner. I’m not perfect as the Big Book tells us, “it’s progress rather than perfection” and I swear here and there (especially when I’m driving) but I swear much less than I used to.

Other little things that I do are: let other drivers in when they signal to change lanes; return money if I’m given too much change; be polite to those I encounter be they friend, family, stranger or foe; respect my elders; respect myself; don’t take things personally (and the three other Agreements via don Miguel Ruiz); don’t let dishes pile up in my sink; etc.

The way I was living when active in my addiction didn’t happen all at once. The toxicity of that life snuck up on me one little thing at a time until the unlivable became livable, the noxious lifestyle became the norm. If I let the little things slip then eventually I may let my sobriety slip (SLIP: Sobriety Loses Its Priority) and I’ll return to a life of degradation.

Dave the Dude

How My Higher Power Expanded

When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous I was wary of the whole Higher Power thing. I’d spent a great deal of my drunken time (and some of my sober time) mocking and criticizing those who believed in God. I remember being at an open discussion meeting talking about Step Two. I was sharing how I couldn’t get past this whole God thing. One of the people at the meeting came up to me afterwards and said something I’ll never forget, “it’s came to believe, not believe right away”. Those words allowed me to realize I just had to be willing to open my mind to the fact that there might be some sort of Higher Power out there. I soon realized that alcohol and the other substances I had been using were man made yet they had become my Master – my Higher Power, if you will. If something so insignificant could cause me to give it all my money, be put above family, friends and work than there had to be something greater than that and therefore greater than myself.

My first Higher Power was Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole. Not any individual person as we are all human and fallible. However, the Fellowship was made up of a group of positive people giving off positive energy which I could grasp on to. They wanted nothing from me but for me to get well. As I went through my Steps and started to concentrate on my Step 11 my higher power expanded into what Carl Jung (friend of AA) called the Collective Unconscious. I feel that we, humans, animals, plants, etc., are all connected in the universe. There is even scientific evidence of this. I also expanded my conscious contact with my Higher Power by getting into Toltec Spirituality by reading The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz and then several other books he and his son, of the same name, have written.

Just before I celebrated five years of sobriety my father passed away. I had been living with him for a couple years prior to recovery and then the whole time, once I joined AA. I respected my father, Mort, immensely. He was a man of integrity. Following the death of my dad whenever I came to a fork in the road, where I was unsure of the right thing to do, I would ask myself, “what would Mort do (WWMD)?” This helped me to pause and make, what I felt, was the right decision in trying to practice the principles of AA in all my affairs. I began asking what WWMD more often and often. So much so that I feel that the spirit of my father has become an integral part of my ever changing Higher Power and my conscious contact with it.

Dave the Dude