Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in 1935 and out of this first 12 Step program sprang over 140 self-help programs with the word Anonymous at the end of their name and/or utilizing the 12 Step Program. There are three main substance recovery fellowships: Alcoholics Anonymous; Narcotics Anonymous (founded 1953) and Cocaine Anonymous (founded 1985).

Although all three groups are spiritually based (they use the exact same 12 Steps with just one word changed) there is some unspiritual disparity that often occurs between each them. Some members of Alcoholics Anonymous put down the Narcotics Anonymous program as a watered down version of the Big Book. I admit I have been guilty of this criticism. It was based on my personal experience with the NA Fellowship in my home town. I since learned that the program is much stronger in other places. I have also met a few people, with great recovery, who got sober and continue to remain sober through NA. There are also members of the AA Fellowship who openly criticise the drug addict hiding behind the tradition of singleness of purpose in order to do so. As a recovered alcoholic/addict I can say the only difference between an alcoholic and an addict is that the alcoholic will steal your wallet while the addict will steal it but help you look for it. Addiction is not a drugging/drinking disease it is a thinking disease. Alcoholics and addicts alike cannot handle reality so seek escape through self-medication.

On the other side there are instances of people in NA putting down Alcoholics Anonymous. Some members, in fact, take pride in this behaviour. I even had a debate once with an NA member who thought that NA was the first 12 Step program. I’ve since realized that person was still spiritually ill not being able to differentiate the truth from the false. Some NA members also cut up AA for its singleness of purpose crying foul for not being allowed to identify as an addict at meetings. For me I respect Fellowships and their unofficial traditions so when I’m in AA I say I’m an alcoholic, in NA I identify as an addict and when attending CA I state that I’m a recovered alcoholic/addict. In the end it’s more important for the newcomer to know they are in the correct fellowship than for me to get a resentment about how I can identify myself.

Then we come to Cocaine Anonymous. I often hear members of this Fellowship putting down Alcoholics Anonymous as they “muck” up the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. Spewing statements like, “AA members have watered down the program”, “AA is killing the newcomer”. What I often see is many like-minded individuals gathering together and congratulating each other on what a great program they have. Perhaps instead of accusing people of killing the newcomer these people should go to the meetings in question and greet the newcomer offering them the solution.

The bottom line is that whatever fellowship we choose to attend we are all trying to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Negativity towards our brother and sister fellowships will not forward that cause but could be a detriment.

Dave the Dude

My Favourite 12 Step Cliches

For those of you who are new to 12 Step Fellowships you’ll notice a lot of clichés bandied about the rooms. At first they may seem simple or even irritating but if you stick around you’ll find some wisdom in them. Here are some of my faves.

1.      Don’t let people rent space in your head. – When I get irritated at someone I’m letting them have power over me. The core word in resentment is sentiment. To have resentment is to live that sentiment over and over again. If you are able to learn how to stop this from happening people will no longer rent space in your head.

2.      I didn’t get in trouble every time I drank but every time I got in trouble I was drinking. – A big part of addiction is denial. No one decides to change unless they have some consequences. The unfortunate fact is that many wait until there are lots of consequences rather than stopping their addiction when there is just a few. Some addicts feel that since they don’t have consequences every time they engage their addiction they don’t have any issues. But if they take a close look, and wipe away their denial, they would see that many of their troubles occurred while obtaining or under the influence of something.

3.      If nothing changes – nothing changes. – Recovery doesn’t happen unless I’m willing to change. First I have to change by stopping my self-medicating. Then I have to change my thinking and behaviours. If I don’t change my dry date will (that’s a bonus cliché).

4.      If you are not completely satisfied with AA (CA, NA, etc.), your misery will be promptly refunded. – One of the spiritual pillars of a 12 Step program is open-mindedness. Newcomers to the program are asked to keep an open mind and try out our suggestions. If you don’t like it you’re free to try something else and we’ll give you back all your problems.

5.      If you hang out in a barbershop long enough you’re going to get a haircut. – Some newcomers to recovery think they can continue to go hang out with their buddies in the bars but only drink pop. What they quickly find is that eventually the disease will kick in and tell them that one won’t hurt. Then they’re back in the cycle of addiction again.

6.      Look for the similarities, not at the differences. – People who come into the 12 Step rooms and begin comparing themselves to others have less a chance of making it then those who seek commonalities. The danger is an individual saying to themselves statements like: “I didn’t drink that much”. “I never got arrested”. “I never had a DUI.” “My liver is fine”. The word that should be placed at the end of all those statements is “yet”. For if one continues in their addiction we have found that they eventually find out that they are just like everyone else.

7.      The first step is the only one you have to have a 100 per cent in. – Step One is the only step one has to be totally committed to. It’s the Step where you learn about the disease of addiction and how one is powerless over it and the mess it makes of one’s life. If you don’t believe you have the disease then you will not be motivated to work on the solution.

8.      We are not bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well. – Low self-esteem is common in those entering into recovery. We have to remember that we are all good people who have done some things we regret as a result of our disease. Now that we know about the disease we start to get better. (This does not mean we are not responsible for making amends for damages we have done while active in our illness). I wasn’t dirty – I was sick. I am not clean – I am sober.

9.      While you work on recovery, your addiction is doing push-ups. – I have been sober for just over 11 years. If I were to, Higher Power forbid, start drinking again it would not be like I was starting over. I would pick up my addiction as if I had been drinking for those 11 years. Science can’t explain this but it is a fact. As the late great Alcoholics Anonymous member Father Martin said, “only God knows why and he ain’t telling us”.

10.  Under every skirt there’s a slip. – This is my favourite one that I heard while in a men’s treatment centre. It’s suggested to newcomers in recovery to not enter into any new romantic relationships for a year. The reason being that a new relationship brings up a great deal of emotional turmoil which could lead us back to active addiction.

11.  Under every pair of trousers there’s a lower power. – See number 10.

12.  The first one goes down easy – and that does it! – One of the common slogans we hear around the rooms is Easy Does It. This has always been my favourite interpretation of that slogan. It reminds me that it’s not the fifth drink that is the problem but the first one.

13.  Pray for Potatoes But Be Willing To Pick Up a Hoe – Our Higher Power will help us out but we still have to do the work.

Some Alcoholics Did Feel Like They Belonged

I’ve heard a lot of speakers since I entered into recovery back in 2005. One thing people share is that they never felt, “a part-of”, they always felt different from the rest of the crowd. For me it was a bit different. I always felt a sense of belonging and was able to make friends easy. For the most part I never had that sense of not belonging. In high school I had a set of good and loyal friends and we stuck together like brothers.  Despite this acceptance from those around me I was never comfortable in my own skin. I had self-loathing from as far back as I can remember. I wanted to look different even be someone else.

My first addiction was to television. I could lose myself in sitcoms and dramas for hours, escaping life. One of the shows I loved as a kid was The Amazing Spiderman. I loved the character so much I wanted to be him. At night I didn’t pray for the wellness of family or friends but for God to turn me into Spiderman. I’m still waiting on that – so far my Higher Power has said no.

Later on I got involved in the youth group at a local little theatre. That was an even better way to escape as I could become a whole new person and not be myself for a few hours a week. I would carry on my love of acting into high school. But alas I always had to return to reality and to being myself. I am an individual who is vertically challenged and I clearly remember standing beside a good friend of mine in front of a mirror and realizing how short I was compared to other people. That was the beginning of my avoidance of looking into mirrors. This aversion to seeing myself in reflections would continue into high school as I came down with extreme acne. There was even a period I would wear dark sunglasses (outdoors and indoors) in case I accidentally glanced in a mirror by accident. As my addiction progressed my reasons for avoiding looking into the mirror grew.

When I entered into recovery I had to get rid of my resentment against myself. As my sponsor said to me, “Dave, unless you get some painful operation you’re not going to get any taller”. Today, I accept who I am and am full of self-love. I learned that I had to love myself if I ever wanted to get into a healthy relationship and love another.

Dave the Dude

Wealth May Equal Death

I’ve worked in a few different types of treatment centres from non-profit to profit. As those of us who have recovered from addiction know (and those still suffering) addiction has no prejudice. It doesn’t care your socio-economic status, colour, creed, race or religion. Saying this, one thing I have noticed (and this is totally anecdotal evidence) is that wealthy people die from overdoses far more than poor people.

When I was out there drinking, using cocaine, etc. if and when I ran out of money I stopped using. Sure I’d beg, borrow and steal to go on, lack of funds was my dilemma, and I’d stop partying until the funds were raised for the next run. With wealthy people they do not have this problem.  The wealthy addict can buy a huge supply or quickly afford to get more when he runs out. The result of this is they don’t have that forced break from use and therefore the tendency to overdose arises.

There are some other barriers to recovery I’ve noticed effect the wealthy. A lot of wealthy parents will send their children to treatment. Sometimes these children do well but often they do not. One of the reasons for this lack of recovery with the children of wealthy people is that the parents are great enablers. I had an experience with a client who came to a centre I was working at three or four times. The same thing happened each time. The parents would get upset at their son’s behaviour and send him to us for help. We would try to help him but the parents wouldn’t change anything they were doing. The parents continued to pay rent on a fancy condo and provide food and luxury toys (video games; entertainment systems; vehicles, etc.) to their son. As a result of this enabling behaviour the son had no reason to change. He didn’t change his drinking/drugging behaviours or any other toxic behaviour for that matter. He continued to be self-centred to the extreme and would blame everyone else for his problems. Needless to say he did not do well in his recovery.

I’m not trying to say that the wealthy have it harder than the poor so relax Karl. I’m just pointing out another take on the situation. People who don’t have much money have a lot of barriers including waiting lists from a few months to a year to get into treatment, child care issues, and having to return to a toxic living environment post-treatment plus much more.

The one thing most everyone in long-term recovery can agree on is that regardless one’s socio-economic status if one doesn’t’ do the Steps and make the changes necessary so that one has a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery there will be little hope for long-term success.

Dave the Dude

Home Group - The Place to Be At

One thing you will hear regarding 12 Step recovery is the suggestion that you should join a home group. You’ll notice that when you attend a 12 Step meeting the meeting has a name. That is the name of the group. Some groups are service meetings which people attend but do not join. Many of these are organized by the Area Committee with volunteers running them. The first ¾ of my first year of recovery I had the pleasure to run a service group twice a week. I found this helped immensely in my recovery, particularly 12 Step work. The groups you can join are called home groups. When I share at a meeting I always start by saying, I’m an alcoholic/addict, member of “place group name here” and my name is Dave. There’s a reason for that. I don’t ever want to forget that I’m an addict as that is the reason I’m in the Fellowship. It’s a “we” program so my home group comes before me and lastly I let people know who I am. Some people will say their last name, some won’t. In CA, if one has gone through all 12 Steps, they place “recovered” before alcoholic/addict.

But I digress. Getting a home group is very important. Prior to joining Alcoholics Anonymous I was terrible at making commitments. By joining a home group I have made a commitment to the other members to show up to that meeting and to be a part of that group. Another great thing about a home group is it becomes your second (sometimes first) family. You get to know people in the group and you expand your support network. Most groups will present a new member with a list of all group members, including phone numbers. This is a great tool to use when you can’t get hold of your sponsor in time of crisis.

My first Alcoholics Anonymous home group was called the Faith Group. I chose the group for three reasons. First it was within walking distance of my house so I couldn’t rationalize not going due to weather conditions. Second, it was on a Saturday night. Even though I drank and used every day, in my twisted, addicted, mind, I still thought of Saturday as the night to party. By committing to a Saturday evening group I always had something to do, at least for a couple hours, those nights. The third reason I joined the group was because I liked the energy of the group and people within it. Some of the first people who welcomed me into the AA Fellowship were members there so I felt right at home.

I stayed with that group for approximately two years. As I became more confident in my recovery I started to get my life back together. I started to do healthy things on Saturdays balancing my life between work, family, socializing and recovery. Plus I got resentment (there’s an official 12 Step maxim: All you need to start a new group is a resentment and a coffee pot). So I left that group and joined what would become my home group for the next nine years – The Garrard Road Group. It was, and still is, a large group and the energy is great. The group has an open speaker meeting on Sundays with a closed discussion on Wednesdays (a service group it took over that was going to go under). Just before my 11^th year of sobriety I ended up with a couple of new jobs. One of those was on a Sunday so I would be missing this group. As a result of knowing I would no longer be able to attend I decided to join a new group.

Last night I joined The Courtice 12X12 Group. I’ve been to this group on and off within my 11 years of recovery and have enjoyed it immensely. Until about a year ago I hadn’t been to it in a long time but I started going to more meetings with a new sponsee and one of those was the 12X12 Group. The group has a great energy that I can really grasp on to. So it was a no brainer joining it. I’m look forward to getting to know the members that I don’t know and getting closer to the one’s I do know.

One the best experiences I’ve had in recovery was starting up a new group with a couple of like-minded buddies. I and two others started the first Cocaine Anonymous meeting in the Durham Region of Ontario, Canada (at present there are three). The group was called The Vision Group (it’s still around today). We started off in the kitchen of a book store. After a few months we had saved enough from our 7^th Tradition collections to pay rent to a church and so we moved locations. It was a Big Book discussion group and there was great recovery/spirituality taking place. Despite the spirituality of the group I ended getting a resentment and leaving. There are no original members at the group but it is still thriving.  

All these groups that I’ve talked about (and many other good ones) are located in Durham Region, Ontario Canada. If you’re ever in the area come visit us – we’d love to have you. Just look us up on the Internet or call the local Integroup. Hope to cross paths as we trudge the road of Happy Destiny.

Dave the Dude

http://www.aaoshawa.org/

http://ca-on.org/

Abandon Yourself to God but Don't Abandon the Newcomer

I love the basic text entitled Alcoholics Anonymous (AKA: The Big Book). It was first published in 1939 and written by AA co-founder Bill Wilson. While Bill wrote the text it was a group effort that included suggestions and ideas from the first “100 members” of the Fellowship. I’ve heard that Bill used the number “100” when referring to the original membership number but there was actually only around 70 but 100 sounded better. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter.

The Big Book is an instruction manual of how the first 100 members became sober. I successfully followed those directions for myself and have passed them on to others as I’ve “trudged the road of Happy Destiny”. Having said this I don’t go around as I’ve heard some members making statements like, “if it’s not in the Big Book then it doesn’t work!” To me that is “…contempt prior to investigation”.  The chapter “Working With Others” gives instructions on how to pass the 12 Step instructions of recovery on to others. It doesn’t mention the word “sponsor” (nor is that word mentioned anywhere else in the first 164 pages) but that doesn’t mean I go around telling people not to get a sponsor. There are some in 12 Step Recovery who feel that once you’ve taken a person through the first 88 pages then you don’t have to deal with them any longer and that they are now ready to take others through the book and so on and so on and so on. I’ve seen guys with less than a month acting as experts on the 12 Steps taking newcomers through the book and stating they are recovered.

In my experience I was instructed through the Steps by my sponsor but he also helped me there-after. He didn’t abandon me, telling me that I was recovered and then say, like I’ve heard said, “it’s a selfish program and I only helped you for me and don’t care if you stay sober or not”. WTF? I’ve heard people actually say this and stand by this philosophy. Although not written in the Big Book I don’t think the first 100 members (or 70) thought this type of thinking would occur.

Sponsorship came about in Alcoholics Anonymous’ infancy where sober members of the Fellowship would act as a guarantor or sponsor for individuals going into a hospital for withdrawal. I’ve also heard (but haven’t verified) that a person couldn’t join certain AA groups (prior to the 12 Traditions being adopted) without an active member sponsoring them. I further expanded on this topic in a previous blog: http://onedaveatatime.blogspot.ca/2015/02/keep-open-mind-aa-has-no-monopoly.html

When I chose a sponsor I was sure to pick one who had good recovery. I listened to what people said at discussion meetings and observed their actions. Thank God I didn’t have a newcomer approach me stating he was recovered and that he could give me the same thing. I’ve seen some of these recovered newcomers and I DON’T want what they have. I’m happy that they’ve started on the journey to recovery but experience does have its advantages. I recently heard someone say a person with 20 years sobriety has the same quality of sobriety as a person with one day. I’m not sure what long-timer the individual was referring to but if I’m acting like a person with one day of recovery when I have 20 years (or for that matter right now) may my Higher Power save me.

Dave the Dude

Stop Turning off the Newcomer

I’ve worked in several treatment centres in the last 10 years or so. One thing they all have in common is that they allow clients to go to outside 12 Step meetings. I know when I went to treatment leaving the centre to attend meetings was an important aspect of my treatment as it got me used to going to meetings and feeling comfortable at them. Most 12 Step groups welcome newcomers from treatment centres with open arms but I have noticed some disturbing trends, particularly with some groups within Alcoholics Anonymous, that are turning newcomers off of AA.

I always make it a point to ask clients returning from meetings how they liked it. For the most part the clients report a positive experience but every so often I hear about a negative experience that should never have happened.

A common negative experience is the newcomer feeling put down by a regular AA member when sharing at a discussion meeting. The client will share how they are enjoying their treatment and the beginnings of their recovery. For most people this would be encouraged but for some reason, every so often, some bitter AA member will cross-talk stating that the client/newcomer doesn’t know what recovery is because they are wrapped in a bubble and that when they leave treatment they’ll be in for a fight. Every time I hear this I just shake my head. First of all when sharing at a meeting I’ve been taught to talk about myself and my own experience. I’m not there to give advice on someone else’s situation, especially as I have no idea of the whole picture. Secondly, I go to meetings to offer hope to newcomers not to dissuade them from continuing the journey. Sure there’s hard parts of recovery as life can be hard at times and I have shared the hard times I’ve had in recovery but I’ve also shared how I overcame those hard times through the help of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 Steps and my Higher Power.

There seems to be a trend by some members of Alcoholics Anonymous to dump on treatment centres. I often hear comments such as, “why go pay thousands to go treatment when you can get it here for free?” Well, with some of the things I’ve heard members say to newcomers it might be a good thing that they are forced to go to meetings while in a 21, 28, 35, etc. day program so the newcomer can experience different meetings and realize that one bad experience does not the Fellowship make.

Another frequent statement I hear from clients is an AA member telling them they are not welcome at the meeting because they introduced themselves as an addict. I fully understand the Primary Purpose (http://onedaveatatime.blogspot.ca/2015/12/its-not-all-about-you.html) and respect it. However, a newcomer is ignorant to the traditions and can be allowed some leeway at the beginning. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. If someone identifies as an addict because they consider drinking and drugging all part of addiction (which scientifically it actually is) it’s not our job to tell them to go elsewhere. Especially, if we are guiding them to a different fellowship that doesn’t have that great of a record of recovery. I would be willing to bet that ½ the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is cross-addicted  but no one is asking them to leave.

I attended my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on January 7, 2005 and haven’t seen the need to pick up a drink or drug since. I can’t say what exactly was said at that first meeting (most likely some First Step experiences were shared) but I do remember that I left with a little bit of hope and the knowledge that what I needed to know was written in what everyone in attendance called the Big Book. Everyone at that meeting welcomed me when I arrived and I was swarmed afterward and offered encouragement to keep coming back. When I asked where to get the Big Book I was invited to a meeting the next day and was told by the guy (who would later become a great friend) that he would get me one. I was even told about a great 12 Step themed treatment centre in my area which I ended up attending and that helped lay the foundation for my future recovery.

My usual comment to clients/newcomers when they have had a negative experience at a 12 Step meeting is to advise them not to judge the Fellowship as a whole based on that one experience. Sometimes the person takes my advice and sometimes they don’t – which is crying shame.

Dave the Dude