I’ve
heard a lot of speakers since I entered into recovery back in 2005. One thing people
share is that they never felt, “a part-of”, they always felt different from the
rest of the crowd. For me it was a bit different. I always felt a sense of
belonging and was able to make friends easy. For the most part I never had that
sense of not belonging. In high school I had a set of good and loyal friends
and we stuck together like brothers. Despite this acceptance from those around me I
was never comfortable in my own skin. I had self-loathing from as far back as I
can remember. I wanted to look different even be someone else.
My
first addiction was to television. I could lose myself in sitcoms and dramas
for hours, escaping life. One of the shows I loved as a kid was The Amazing Spiderman. I loved the
character so much I wanted to be him. At night I didn’t pray for the wellness
of family or friends but for God to turn me into Spiderman. I’m still waiting
on that – so far my Higher Power has said no.
Later
on I got involved in the youth group at a local little theatre. That was an
even better way to escape as I could become a whole new person and not be
myself for a few hours a week. I would carry on my love of acting into high
school. But alas I always had to return to reality and to being myself. I am an
individual who is vertically challenged and I clearly remember standing beside
a good friend of mine in front of a mirror and realizing how short I was
compared to other people. That was the beginning of my avoidance of looking
into mirrors. This aversion to seeing myself in reflections would continue into
high school as I came down with extreme acne. There was even a period I would
wear dark sunglasses (outdoors and indoors) in case I accidentally glanced in a
mirror by accident. As my addiction progressed my reasons for avoiding looking
into the mirror grew.
When
I entered into recovery I had to get rid of my resentment against myself. As my
sponsor said to me, “Dave, unless you get some painful operation you’re not
going to get any taller”. Today, I accept who I am and am full of self-love. I
learned that I had to love myself if I ever wanted to get into a healthy
relationship and love another.
Dave
the Dude
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