One of my favourite readings from the Basic Text of
Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) is from the personal stories in the back
entitled Acceptance is the Answer.
The following is an excerpt from that story (the part most often quoted):
And
acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am
disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some
fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept
that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed
to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by
mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I
accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to
concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what
needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Shakespeare
said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He
forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the
flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out,
because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have
taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in
the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be
here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s
handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God. (From
page 417 of The Big Book of Alcoholics
Anonymous)
One of the biggest misconceptions people have of
this reading is that it promotes accepting abuse from another human being, I
would beg to differ. It’s talking about acceptance but it doesn’t say we accept
being treated badly, accept staying in toxic relationship or accept abuse of
any kind. Part of the reading says, “accept…the
situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment”. If
at that moment something bad is happening it doesn’t mean we have to accept
that it is okay. What I would say is we have to accept that it has occurred and
if it is something bad, accept that we need to change it. For example, early in
my recovery I got into a relationship and we were both handling disagreements
with one another in a very unhealthy manner. We both had to accept the
status-quo was not healthy and make the decision to either change or break-up.
We decided to work on ourselves (i.e. – work the 12 Step Program) and change
our thinking and actions (Steps 3, 6, 7). I’m glad we went this route as we are
still together today and continue to change for the better.
This reading also taught me an important lesson in
resentments. I have to make sure my acceptance of situations is always higher
than my expectations to avoid resentment. If the reverse happens I am returning
to my character defect of trying to control everything which is part of the
insanity of addiction. The only thing I can control is my reactions and actions
towards people and situations.
When I completed the 12 Steps I finally accepted
that I was an alcoholic/addict and could not take another mind-altering
substance again. I accepted that my way of thinking and behaving was toxic and I
had to change. The 12 Steps allowed me to discover that acceptance is, indeed,
the answer.
Dave the Dude
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