They
say that you should go with your first instinct when taking a multiple-choice
test. Well, life isn’t multiple-choice and you need to give it some thought. I
used to act on my first thought and would constantly get into trouble. Today I
wait for that second thought to come and act on that instead. I am a person in
need of immediate gratification. When I was actively drinking I drank for the
effect. I drank as much as I could as fast as I could to get that buzz as soon
as possible. I have the same need for immediate gratification when it comes to
my feelings. I feel angry and my first instinct is to blow up and starting
yelling. I tried this in sobriety for my first few years and never got the
desired outcome I was looking for. Yet I tried it over and over again. I did
the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. That is what I
did when I drank. I woke up every day and said today I’m only going to drink a
few and that was never the case. Yet I continued to try.
I
began self-medicating regularly through alcohol and drugs at the age of 16. As
a result I was unable to learn from my mistakes and grow emotionally. Sobering
up at the age of 35 I handled everything the way that 16-year-old would. This
did not cause too many problems in my first year of recovery as I things were
going smoothly and I was on the “pink cloud” of sobriety. However, in my second
year of recovery I entered into a relationship. That relationship brought a
whole new set of emotions and issues with it. My 16-year-old self had a hell of
a hard time dealing with it. My girlfriend didn’t start drinking alcoholically
until her early 30s so she was acting as a 30-year-old when we argued (most of
the time). She could not understand my immature handling of our disagreements
and other challenges our relationship brought.
It
took a few years for me to change and I had to work a lot to change my
behaviours and my thinking when it came to reacting in a healthy manner to my
emotions. Again I wanted immediate gratification in my recovery but it doesn’t
work that way. I get one day of sobriety in one day, not a year. The
alcoholic/addict in me wants immediate gratification – translation: immediate
recovery. But it doesn’t work that way. I learned that I had to be (and
continue to be) ever vigilant when working on changing my behaviours and
gaining some serenity in my life. I can lose that serenity easily. My serenity
and sobriety comes to me through a, “daily reprieve based on my spiritual maintenance”
(Alcoholics Anonymous, 1939).
Dave
the Dude
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