The Un-Manageability of Emotions

The second part of Step One from the Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous is “…that our lives had become unmanageable”. By the time I was ready to surrender many parts of my life were unmanageable. I couldn’t pay bills, maintain any type of healthy relationship (be it friendship, romantic or familial), keep commitments to family job, etc. or keep up any semblance of self-care. Saying this, I believe that the true root of my unmanageability lay in the fact that I could not manage my emotions.

I first started self-medicating to deal with emotions I didn’t like (i.e. – couldn’t manage) such as fear, anxiety, sadness or anger. These were all painful emotions to my psyche and who likes to suffer pain? In an attempt to manage this pain, I began to drink alcohol and later would partake of marijuana, cocaine and crack (and a slew of other types of substances ranging from depressants to psychedelics to stimulants). Escaping the pain of my emotions through self-medication worked for many years. I believed I had found the solution to my problems. After awhile I wanted to escape or increase any type of emotions. If I was feeling happy I wasn’t satisfied and wanted to feel even happier. Snort some cocaine or smoke some crack and my dopamine increased providing me with a false sense of heightened happiness. It wouldn’t last long and it was a quick nose dive back to one of the emotions that caused me pain. As a result, the whole cycle would begin once more.

Once I sobered up I began the journey of learning how to manage these emotions. Part of the 12 Steps is getting rid of unwanted baggage – resentments, anger, fears, etc. I firmly believe that in order to prevent myself from getting more baggage I had to learn how to manage my feelings – all of them. The first step was learning how to identify them. I had started to regularly self-medicate at the age 16. The majority of all future relationships, crises and problems were dealt with in an intoxicated state. As a result of this I never properly learned how to handle any of those things in a healthy fashion. I sobered up at the age of 35 and about nine months into my recovery I entered into a relationship with another alcoholic who hadn’t started self-medicating until her early 30s. We would get into arguments and I would handle them the way a 16-year-old would causing her to become even more angry. I couldn’t understand why she was getting angry at me as I had never learned how handle confrontation in a healthy manner. It took several years, working a good 12 Step program, outside help and personal growth (on both our parts) for us to begin to resolve issues in a healthy way. Fast forward over 10 years later and we are still together and still learning. It isn’t always perfect but it’s 100 times better than it was in the beginning.

One thing, early in our relationship, that frustrated my partner was my response when she asked me how I was feeling. I would say, “good”. She would say that isn’t a feeling and I would insist that it was. After debating this multiple times, I finally printed off a list of emotions from the Internet (they had faces beside each) and put them on my fridge. Whenever she asked me how I was feeling I would point to three of them and say why I felt that way at the moment or earlier in the day. I think this may have been our couples’ therapist’s idea but can’t remember for sure. Regardless, this helped me begin to learn how to identify my emotions.

I’ve since learned that the words we attribute to our emotions are our way of describing what is going on in our bodies. When I my heart rate increases, my muscles tense and my face gets red there is a good chance I’m angry. When my heart races, I have trouble breathing, my stomach in is knots there is a good chance I’m anxious. When I have a lump in my throat and my eyes water there’s a good chance I’m sad. Etcetera, etcetera. By paying attention to my body and becoming aware of what physiological responses relate to which emotion I have learned to react to each feeling in a healthier way. The old me would get angry and have an unhealthy outburst. Now, by gaging what is going on in my body, I can tell when anger is building, decide my options for a healthy reaction and proceed with said reaction. It doesn’t always work but as the Big Book says, “progress not perfection”.

Dave the Dude

Resentment: A Dish Best Not Served Cold

The Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that a resentment is the number one killer of an addict. The first action step of the 12 Steps requires me to begin an inventory. Part of that inventory is making a list of resentments I have towards people and/or institutions.

Before listing my resentments, I figured it would be good to know what exactly a resentment is. The root word of resentment is sentiment. A sentiment is a feeling. So a resentment is re-feeling something over and over again. As humans we tend to forget things. Part of addiction is not being able to, “differentiate the truth from the false” (Big Book, 1939). As a resentment grows I tend to exaggerate what happened and I become more and more the victim. What a recovery inventory does is force me to do something I never would of thought of – look at what part I played in the resentment. Nine times out of 10 it was my own self-centredness, fear and stubbornness that was the catalyst to the situation the caused the resentment. For example, I had a big resentment towards an off-duty police officer who followed me for approximately 45 minutes from one city to an other eventually charging me with a DUI. The arrest wasn’t exactly by the book and I could have made an assault charge against her. I carried this resentment with me for years. When I did my first Fourth Step I realized that “A” she wouldn’t have followed me in the first place if I hadn’t been breaking the law by drinking and driving. “B” if I hadn’t broken the law the assault wouldn’t have occurred. And, “C”, I could have done something regarding the assault but I was more interested in getting drinking/drugging and complaining to whomever would listen rather than moving forward with the proper steps. This story allowed me to be the centre of attention whenever I retold it – and what addict doesn’t love being the centre of attention?

But what of the one out of 10 resentments that I had no part in. Be they some type of abuse, betrayal or trauma. I still have to rid myself of these resentments as they have power over me. A perceived justified resentment feeds my disease in telling me I have a just reason to drink/use. Letting go of these type of resentments doesn’t mean I accept the behaviour of the person who wronged me. Physical, emotional or sexual abuse and betrayal is never acceptable. By letting go of these resentments I’m giving up the power those traumatic events have over me. I am letting go of an anchor that is weighing me down.

The Big Book also tells me that anger is a dubious luxury of others. When I get upset over someone insulting or slighting me I am attaching myself to a belief that they must be correct. By realizing that whomever is slandering me is still spiritually ill I am detaching myself from that person’s word.

When I did my first Fourth Step I had a lot of resentments but no longer. If am a working a proper 10^th Step my resentments will be few and far apart. By promptly making my amends I get rid of my anger so that it doesn’t stew within turning into a resentment.

My mind is constantly filled with thoughts making it hard to stay in the moment. When I add a resentment to that committee of thoughts I’m making it that much harder to stay in the now.

Dave the Dude

The Four Sons of Passover Meet the Four Types of Addicts in Recovery

Last weekend I attended the annual Passover Seders. A Seder is when Jewish families, friends, etc. sit around the dinner table and read the story of how Moses led the Jewish people out of bondage from Egypt. Part of the Seder includes how to explain the traditions and rituals to four different types of children. There is the Wise Child, The Contrary Child, The Simple Child and the Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How to Ask A Question. The last few years when going through this part of the Seder I’ve often thought that I could use these types of children as metaphors of different types of alcoholic/addicts.

The Wise Child I equate to the alcoholic/addict who has finally hit such a rock bottom that he is now, “willing to go to anything lengths” (Big Book, 1939) to get sober. This type of addict a sponsor can take through the Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous (AKA: Big Book), explaining what each part means with little to no push back. I reached this level following my last relapse (if you call several years a relapse – maybe a lapse?) and have never looked back. I followed the directions of those who went before me and the questions I asked were more about clarification than disagreement.

The Contrary Child I equate to the addict who hasn’t surrendered yet. He is still trying to make the program fit into his needs. This addict is often the one who tries to stay sober on “frothy, emotional, appeal” (Big Book, 1939). He is the one known as a two-stepper – he works Step One and Step 12 skipping all the steps that allows him a happy, joyous and free life and provides him with the ability to properly fulfil Step 12. As it is written in the Big Book’s Chapter A Vision For You if one’s own house is not in order one is not able to properly pass on the message. The Contrary Child, more often than not, relapses and continues to think that willpower alone will be enough to wage war on his addiction. The Contrary Child is deep into denial still unable to, “differentiate the truth from the false” (Big Book, 1939). The Contrary Child is the alcoholic who gets stuck on semantics using the word “God” as a reason not to change.

The Simple Child can be equated to someone brand new to recovery. She has not tried to become abstinent before and wants to learn. If she hooks up with the right kind of sponsor and recovery support group she will ease into recovery without many issues. The willingness is there for sobriety and it just needs to connect with the right kind of teachers.

The Child Who Does Not Even Know How To Ask A Question is also new to recovery but lacks the willingness of the Simple Child. She often gravitates to the Contrary Child still stuck in the notion that in order to be accepted she must change into what others want her to be. This addict will stick with the person who fights recovery following him in his bad habits and contrariness.

I hope that the latter three types of alcoholics/addicts will eventually, due to emotional and spiritual pain, change into the Wise Child and in the course of time become recovered and, in turn, become a sponsor or in this metaphor the leader of the Seder.

Good Pesach to my fellow recovered Yid and remember the four glasses of wine ritual can be carried out using grape juice. The four beverages just have to be from fruit that is grown on a vine.

Next Year in Recovery.

Dave the Dude

Dave the Dude's Guide to Sponsorship

Sponsorship is an important part of 12 Step Recovery. The term first came about in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous. This was a time before withdrawal management services. Alcoholics who needed to be detoxed in a hospital had to be “sponsored” by a member, in good standing, of AA. The sponsor would be responsible for the person prior to, during and after their stay in the hospital. This type of 12^th Step work eventually evolved into the type of sponsorship we have today.

A sponsor’s main job is to take a person through the 12 Step program. If that someone hasn’t completed the 12 Steps then I don’t think they have any business sponsoring someone. It’s my opinion that a sponsor is not there to be the boss of a sponsee. A sponsor is neither better nor worse than the person they are helping. We are equal when it comes to a 12 Step program. Some of us have more experience and are therefore suited to help another. A sponsor is there to provide their experience and not anything else. If you have a sponsor (or any Fellowship member) who starts to give you medical advice I’d stay far away from that person. I had a sponsee ask me for advice on a big financial decision he had to make. I had never faced the type of decision he was mulling over, explained this to him and suggested he talk to a professional trained in the type of advice he needed. Some people tend to let their egos get ahead of them and provide advice that could be disastrous.

Many sponsor’s dump their sponsees for not being willing enough. In my opinion this goes against the Responsibility Pledge, “I am Responsible when anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that I am responsible”. I don’t see anywhere in the pledge stating, “I’m only responsible if they show enthusiasm.” I believe that if someone asks for help then give it. Maybe the person only asks for help when they get into trouble and then, “can’t remember with sufficient force the pain and suffering of a month or even a week ago” (Big Book, 1939) and disappear for a while. Eventually, they may reach a point in their lives where the willingness stays and they follow through with their initial motivation to seek help. If I’m telling them, “too bad, you haven’t shown the proper motivation in the past to follow through”, then I’m not being very responsible.

There is no single way to find a sponsor. I only know how I did it. I went to a lot of discussion meetings when I first entered into recovery. I noticed that there was a group of men who were at the same meetings I went to and were there on a consistent basis. I liked what these guys had to say and could tell they were not bullshitting but were walking the talk. One of the men had appeared to have the same sense of humour as me and we got along well. I was attracted to his recovery and so asked him to be my sponsor.

Some newcomers need help right away so chose to get what’s called a temporary sponsor. Sometimes the temporary sponsor becomes a permanent sponsor and sometimes not. When I use the word permanent I don’t mean forever. As all things in 12 Step recovery sponsorship is open to change. One can change a sponsor when one wants to. If one is doing this a lot though I’d recommend you take a look as to why. I am also a firm believer in men sticking with men and women with women – why open yourself up to possible problems?

Dave the Dude

You can have fun in recovery

https://youtu.be/w8RJomFmJ2o

Kangaroo Court Threatens Alcoholics Anonymous' Primary Purpose

The recovery free thinkers movement in Toronto, Ontario has been a thorn in the side of Alcoholics Anonymous for a while now. The group in question, The Agnostic Group first came to the attention of AA members a few years ago when some of its members decided to talk to the press, break their spiritual anonymity, and openly air their resentments against AA. Although causing a stir within the Fellowship it soon died away as most irritants do.

Fast forward to present day. As a result of acting against common unity the Toronto Intergroup decided not to allow The Agnostic Group to be considered an official AA Group or be listed in the meeting list. For those who do not know what an Intergroup does here is a quick list of services they offer:

1.      Receiving, arranging and following up on Twelve Step Calls.

2.      Answering inquiries about AA.

3.      Establishing local Public Information Committees.

4.      Maintain information about local hospitals and recovery facilities for alcoholics.

5.      Publishing local AA meetings lists.

6.      Providing a newsletter.

7.      Ordering, selling and distributing AA conference-approved material.

In keeping with the Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous the Intergroup Committee is made up of group representatives who make decisions via group conscience. What this means is the decision regarding The Agnostics Group was decided by all members of the Toronto Area Alcoholics Anonymous Fellowship (or at least those who attended their group business meeting when this vote was taken).

One of the reasons The Agnostics Group was considered to not be part of the AA Fellowship is because it changed the wording of the 12 Steps. This is what they follow:

1.    We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.    Came to accept and to understand that we needed strengths beyond our awareness and resources to restore us to sanity.
3.    Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the A.A. program.
4.    Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5.    Admitted to ourselves without reservation, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.    Were ready to accept help in letting go of all our defects of character.
7.    Humbly sought to have our shortcomings removed.
8.    Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.    Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.  Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.  Sought through mindful inquiry and meditation to improve our spiritual awareness, seeking only for knowledge of our rightful path in life and the power to carry that out.
12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

One of the founding members of The Toronto Agnostics Group did not like this, democratically made, decision and has decided to take Toronto’s AA Intergroup to an Ontario, Canada, Human Rights Tribunal. The Human Rights Tribunals in Canada are not a legal court of law but their decisions are considered legally binding. These tribunals are not beholden to any other government body. In my opinion they are the equivalent of a kangaroo court with no checks and balances.

A human rights tribunal (at least the ones in Canada) can also be called, “The - You hurt my feelings and I don’t like that so I’m going to whine to someone - Tribunal”. Basically the tribunal allows someone who can’t accept a situation and/or are unable to look at their part in it and have found a way to manipulate a result to their liking. I don’t know about you but when I was active in my addiction I was a great manipulator. I could manipulate people into allowing me to further engage in my addiction – quite the character defect. This type of system is not recovery oriented at all. The Canadian tribunal system in Ontario, Canada has allowed one individual, with a resentment, to cause Intergroup to waste a great deal of energy and monies that could best be spent on furthering Alcoholics Anonymous’ primary purpose of helping the still suffering alcoholic.

Not only is energy being wasted the media attention this resentful Friend of Bill has garnered is giving Alcoholics Anonymous a bad reputation with the general public who don’t understand our traditions and thus, in the end, could be responsible for a still suffering alcoholic not coming for help and perhaps dying.

Dave the Dude

The Disease Addiction Conundrum

The Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous calls alcoholism an “illness”. The medical community calls addiction a disease. Some hard core 12 Step members will argue there’s a difference but to me it’s just semantics. Regardless, addiction is a health issue and should be treated as such. It’s not a lack of morals or a lack of willpower. To people who think the latter I challenge them to use their willpower to not go to the bathroom next time they have a case of diarrhea.

Despite addiction being an illness there is an issue which I call the Disease Addiction Conundrum. We have to treat the sufferer but we can’t use all the methods we would use for other diseases. It’s something the many in the medical/science community cannot wrap their heads around. I often here about certain medications touted as the cure to alcoholism/addiction. In the case of alcoholism some in the medical community are putting forward naproxen as a way to curb the cravings for alcohol. When I first went to my doctor for help he put me on this and it had no effect. If you look closely at the studies when naproxen does work it’s curbing drinking cravings in people who consume very little alcohol on a daily and/or weekly basis. It would have no use in trying to help the alcoholic of the “hopeless variety” that the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was written for. A similar medication is called Baclofen.

Another “miracle” drug being put forward is Topirmate. This pharmaceutical works on the part of the brain that acts impulsively. Many alcoholics/addict have a feeling they don’t like (e.g. – anger; sadness; anxiety) they want to change that feeling and instead of thinking of options they go on their first instinct and use what worked in the past – self-medicating through drugs and/or alcohol. Topirmate is supposed to affect the part of the brain where this impulse control occurs. Tests have shown patients who take it do not act on their first instinct to use when they have a feeling they don’t like, but rather, to pause and consider options before proceeding.

I’m not against these types of medications. I say the more help one has the better. But I would only suggest people use them as a secondary part of what has been proven time and again to work at putting the disease of addiction into remission. That would be a 12 Step Program.

The reason many in the medical community are trying to invent their way into a cure rather than rely on the proven 12 Step remedy is because the 12 Steps have a component which can’t be quantified and is beyond the realm of science. That component is spirituality. The 12 Steps already have the psychological component of cognitive behavioural therapy in treating addiction. That is changing one’s thinking and behaviours in a more healthy direction. What Alcoholics Anonymous did (and the Fellowships who followed its lead) is ad a spiritual component stating that probably no human power on earth could “relieve [one] of [his] alcoholism but a [higher power] could and would if sought” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 1939). Anecdotally speaking myself, and countless, others sought help through doctors, psychiatrists and counsellors to no avail. It wasn’t until we embraced a power greater than ourselves, having a spiritual awakening, that we were able to put our addiction into remission.  The Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous defines a spiritual awakening as a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from [addiction].

Once an addict has a firm foundation in recovery (minimum six months) then they can begin to tackle other issues such as PTSD, other trauma, a proper mental health diagnosis, etc. The 12 Steps programs do not reject science but use it as an adjunct to the program.

Other medications are being used to treat drug addiction such as methadone or suboxone for opiates but in my humble opinion this is a money making industry and does not provide actual freedom from addiction. (See: http://onedaveatatime.blogspot.ca/2015/05/methadone-silent-killer-greedy-industry.html)

Until science embraces something it can’t quantify there will continue be a division between medicine and spirituality.

Dave the Dude